Where
by AoifeRose
Summary: Set at the beginning of Season 19 with some minor spoilers but then heading off into my own story. Olivia needs some reassurance and it is provided by the woman who is fast becoming someone she can't live without in her life.
1. Chapter 1

**Set post 19x2 and before 19x3 – this one has been going around in my head for a week driving me mad – so here goes! Some spoilers so be warned, sorry can't write it without them. Come along for the ride, I've no idea where we're going but I know it's going to be more than 1 chapter – that's all I can promise now. As always none of them are mine – I just borrow them to have some fun!**

"I'm sorry"

Amanda looked thoroughly confused at the words coming from her Lieutenant's mouth.

"What?"

"You're gona make me repeat an apology Detective?" The slight smirk on Olivia's lips calmed the fluttering of panic in Amanda's stomach.

"No Lieutenant. I'm just not sure what you're apologising for."

"For allowing you to feel afraid that I'm going to lecture you every time you disagree with me. You are allowed to, you should. I'm sorry."

Amanda waved off the apology but Olivia had felt guilty all day about the conversation that was had in her office earlier. Moving around she sat on the edge of Amanda's desk and gripped her fingers around the edge of the desk.

"You were right" the brunette said quietly."

Amanda saw the sadness flicker across the hazel eyes, which were the window to everything this woman felt when her guard was down.

"I was projecting, I was allowing my own personal feelings to get in the way of the bigger picture on this case. I was the victim, I still feel like the victim sometimes. Especially when people keep dragging up Lewis, trying to test me." Olivia's voice wavered as she said his name and Amanda's natural reaction was to comfort, to soothe. Reaching for one of the hands that was gripped hard against the edge of her desk, Amanda took it in hers and held it. Both women started at the touch and Olivia was the first to pull away. She saw the pain in Amanda's eyes as she pulled away and a second round of the guilt that had nagged at her all day hit again.

"We've had a long week and I've promised Noah cartoons and ice-cream tonight. My bet is he doesn't last past 9 though. I however am gona need a few glasses of wine to erase this week. You want to join me?"

Amanda thought about the long lonely evening ahead. Kim had gone back to Georgia to spend a week with their Mom who had broken her arm after a fall, Amanda had no doubt was due to a night of heavy drinking. Kim still cared enough to go and see her. Amanda had long since stopped giving a damn.

"You know what, that sounds good. I'll call Katie, ask her to stay for a few hours. See you about 9:30?"

Olivia stood with a brief nod. She ducked her head as she retrieved her bag from Fin's desk and gave a small smile to the younger woman. "See you later"

Amanda smiled, the first genuine smile she'd smiled all day, and nodded.

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The quiet knock was welcomed with a genuine smile when Olivia opened the door. Amanda returned the smile and walked past Olivia hanging her coat in on the hooks by the door. Amanda took in her boss in sweats and a t-shirt, she'd never seen her in such casual clothing. It suited her. Amanda almost felt overdressed in her jeans and purple t-shirt. She handed the bottle of wine she was holding to Olivia.

"I'm afraid I know nothing about wine so all I know is it's red and in some liquid form"

Olivia chuckled. "Rollins there was no need, but thank you." Olivia had a bottle picked out and on the countertop but she knew it would be rude to not drink what Amanda had brought. Heading to the kitchen she told Amanda to take a seat wherever she was comfortable and went into the kitchen to pour two glasses. Taking a sip, she looked at the bottle and was impressed. Even if Amanda didn't know her wine, this was a good bottle, and expensive too.

"Tell me you had that as a gift and you're re-gifting because I'm gona feel really bad if you bought it?"

She handed the glass to Amanda and placed the bottle on the table. Amanda took a sip and didn't answer her question directly. Instead she decided to allay her Lieutenant's fears with an answer that she hoped would placate.

"I did buy it…" she held up a hand as Olivia began to protest, "but there was no wine in my house. The guy in the shop said it was good and you've had a hell of a couple of weeks so I figured if anyone deserved good wine tonight it was you."

Olivia considered offering to pay for half but she knew Amanda would be insulted so she acquiesced and simply smiled. "Thank you. For everything."

"You have nothing to thank me for. If the situation was reversed you'd be right there by my side."

Olivia took a sip of the wine. "You're right I would but…"

Amanda interrupted to stop Olivia from saying what she knew was coming.

"Yes, I know it's different. I know I'm a good Mom. Sometimes I forget but you always remind me. So, I'm going to remind you. You are an amazing Mom. Noah is lucky to have you. No-one would ever doubt how much you love that little boy. Anyone that would accuse you of hurting him doesn't know you at all."

"My own peers thought I was capable of it."

"They were following up on a complaint Liv, you know how it works, especially when there's kids involved."

"Asking about Lewis was the final straw," Olivia almost choked on his name.

Amanda damped down the anger his name always caused in her.

"He has nothing to do with this, how did they… I mean what…" Amanda put her wine glass down afraid it might smash she was gripping it so tightly.

Olivia rested her head back against the sofa and a tear escaped the corner of her eye.

"I wanted him dead."

Amanda took the hand resting beside hers and intertwined her fingers with Olivia's.

"I wanted him dead too Liv. We all did. I had to physically restrain Fin more than once when you weren't around. He wanted to be strong for you but when you weren't there he veered between despair and anger, we all did."

The tears fell and Amanda's heart broke as her strong, determined, thoughtful Lieutenant broke in front of her. Amanda closed the space between them on the sofa and wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulder. It was joined seconds later by her other arm as Olivia turned her body fully into hers, letting the fears of the last few days fall away, tears soaking Amanda's t-shirt. Swaying gently, in a motion she used frequently to quiet her fretting daughter, Amanda held tightly to the brunette until the shaking subsided to small tremors and the tears had almost dried. The embrace lingered and Amanda wasn't sure how or if she wanted to extricate herself from it.

"Liv," Amanda said the name quietly so as not to frighten the woman in her arms.

Olivia shifted slightly but not enough so Amanda could see her face.

"It's OK not to be OK, you know that right?"

Olivia nodded once against Amanda's shoulder where her head now rested.

"Good." Amanda began to knead a knot at the base of Olivia's neck, causing her to tense and then relax slightly.

"I did some baby massage after Jessy was born." Amanda continued to speak quietly, "The midwife said she had a problem with her left hip. She said it'd correct on its own but massage would help. Physio said the techniques might come in handy at other times. Think this might be one of those times."

Olivia turned her neck slowly to allow Amanda's fingers more access. The muscles had been in spasm for the last few hours and Olivia had resigned herself to taking a painkiller and going to bed. This was a much better alternative.

Amanda's fingers began to work upwards towards her hairline and then back down, finding the spot that was causing her such immense pain.

"Relax" Amanda whispered quietly against the side of Olivia's head. Olivia complied and made a visible effort to relax her tense muscles.

Olivia tensed as Amanda hit the most sensitive point on her neck again.

"Sorry"

"It's OK, don't stop."

"I won't, turn around for me and relax back." Olivia was too out of it to disagree, it simply felt too good to finally be relaxed and almost pain free. Repositioning herself so she had her legs curled underneath her and her back against Amanda, she delighted in the fingers that were now working on her shoulders and upper back. Olivia rested her chin on her chest as Amanda returned her attention to her neck and inhaled sharply as Amanda hit the spot on her neck again, the circular motion of her thumbs finally easing the spasm that had been irritating her.

Amanda felt the tension in Olivia's body dissipate and when she lifted her head again she rested it back against Amanda's shoulder. Amanda inhaled the scent of citrus shampoo and some sort of sandalwood soap. She didn't want to move, didn't want to disturb the peace that had overcome the woman resting in front of her. She stilled her fingers and did what felt natural, kissing the top of Olivia head and resting her cheek against it. When Olivia finally moved it was for fear she may fall asleep rather than wanting to leave the embrace she was in.

Amanda lifted her head as she felt Olivia shift. She stood and held a hand out to the blonde. Amanda looked between it and the hazel eyes holding hers. The moment of hesitation reflected back in her Lieutenant's face and she regretted it almost instantly. She didn't hesitate any further but she felt the need to reassure the woman now holding her hand.

"That wasn't me saying no, you know that right?"

Olivia nodded as Amanda stood and wrapped her arms around her waist.

"I didn't know if this is what… I just don't know." Olivia's gaze lowered to the floor.

Amanda sat back down and kept hold of Olivia's hand pulling her into her lap as the taller woman started to sit beside her.

Olivia smiled as she found herself staring into bright blue eyes.

"I do know, I know what I want. I've always known I was attracted to you. I never acted on it because, well because you're Olivia Benson. You're NYPD born and bred and I was a small fry detective from Georgia with a point to prove and doing a really bad job of doing it." Olivia was about to speak but Amanda placed a finger to her lips."  
"You know how I know that's not true anymore?" Amanda leaned forward and placed a kiss, soft and quick on Olivia's lips. Neither had time to close their eyes so Amanda caught the look of shock on Olivia's face. It caused a grin that left Olivia wondering what was going on. Amanda caught the inquisitive look.

"You. That's how I know it's not true. You telling me, you believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself, just you."

Olivia cupped Amanda's cheek and kissed her again, deeper this time, tongues peaking and retreating as the two women began to explore each other for the first time.

Resting her forehead against the blondes for a moment to catch her breath Olivia felt a hand rest on her lower back. The hand worked between her sweats and t-shirt and began to stroke bare skin causing Olivia to shiver. Amanda's hands stroked up and down her back and eventually her hands worked under the black t-shirt breaking a kiss momentarily to remove it.

Olivia looked embarrassed as Amanda's gaze fell to her breasts.

"You are stunning" Amanda stated firmly, kissing the now tender lips to reassure the nervous brunette.

"I just wish this had happened 20 years ago." Olivia did the mental arithmetic and then held up her hands at Amanda's smirk "Ok, ten years. Sorry I forget how old I am sometimes."

"You are not old. Age is just a number and you have the body of a 30-year-old."

Olivia smiled again but it turned into a low groan as Amanda's hand found her breasts, cupping soft mounds through purple lace. Flicking her thumbs across erect nipples Amanda reached around, opened the clasp and released Olivia's breasts, lowering her mouth to encase one nipple while she continued to caress the other against the palm of her hand.

Olivia's grip on her head tightened as she ran her teeth along the pink bud, emitting a groan from its owner.

"Woah, one second."

Amanda stopped, lowering her hands, worried she had overstepped.

"No, no, don't stop… just too many clothes."

Amanda laughed and reached for the hem of her t-shirt pulling it over her head. Discarding it and her bra on the floor she began to work the fly on her jeans but her fingers were moved aside by longer ones sliding down the zip and working a hand inside the stonewashed denim.

Olivia held the hooded gaze as she cupped Amanda through her silk underwear, rubbing a vertical pattern that added to a growing wetness both could feel. Amanda keened as Olivia worked her hand into the now drenched silk and began the same vertical motion, this time with her finger between swollen pink lips. Olivia's index finger found her hard clit and began to include it in her strokes.

"Fuck me, Liv please fuck me."

Olivia leaned forward and whispered into her ear "Hush, I'm gona fuck you, I just want to make sure you're wet enough, I don't want to hurt you."

Amanda's heart ached at the genuine concern in Olivia's voice. Her previous lovers had never been so gentle. Only interested in what they could get and then leaving her before the sun rose.

"I am. Trust me?" Olivia wondered why the question, but its reason became evident as Amanda reached forward dipping below the waistband of her sweats and into her underwear, finding heat and wetness like she'd never felt before.

"Always."

Amanda found her clit just as Olivia entered her and simultaneous moans filled the quiet space. The next kiss was fierce, Amanda starting to dominate before Olivia reclaimed power. It wasn't a struggle, rather an effort to show the other what this moment meant to them.

Olivia's wrist angled so she could insert a third finger, her palm hitting Amanda's clit every time she thrust deeper into her.

"Fuck… Christ Liv, yes… yes…"

Olivia loved to hear Amanda say her name like that, almost hoarse with desire. Two final thrusts sent Amanda over the edge and as Olivia felt her fingers being held inside by sharp clenching of muscles she moved frantically against the fingers still teasing her, needing more.

"Mand, I need… you."

Amanda roused herself from the post orgasmic state quickly and curled her fingers, watching Olivia lift her hips, feeling her sink onto them.

The wetness that coated her fingers as she began to fuck the woman in her lap caused her to shiver.

"Yes..., there… God yes"

Amanda felt the start of Olivia's orgasm and leaned in close to whisper against her ear. "You are so very beautiful. Come for me Liv."

Olivia didn't need telling twice and as she began to cum she kissed the blonde long and hard, feeling muscles spasm around her fingers as Amanda came again. The kisses were long and slow now, coming down slowly together.

"Wow" Amanda muttered against Olivia's chest, where her head now rested.

Olivia chuckled, "Wow indeed. I don't think I can feel my legs." Amanda put her arm under Olivia's left knee and turned her body so she was sitting at an angle in her lap.

"Better?"

Olivia nodded against the smaller woman's shoulder.

"I wanted that to be about you Lieutenant – how did you end up fucking me – like I've never been fucked before might I add."

Olivia smiled, rather proud of herself but not wanting to seem boastful.

"I can see that smile Olivia Benson, but you are that good."

Olivia lifted her head and kissed the blonde.

"I'm sorry, I kind of took over. I just couldn't not touch you." It's been a long time, and when I thought that I might not get to touch you, well it just couldn't be like that."

Amanda nodded and stroked Olivia's bare back. Olivia tried to suppress a yawn but it didn't go unnoticed by the other woman.

"Come on. I'm gona get you to bed. I can't stay but I want to make sure you're settled."

Olivia pouted, reminding Amanda of Noah when he was throwing a strop.

"So that's where your son got it from."

The twinkle had returned to Olivia's eyes at the mention of her boy."

"I swear Olivia, if anyone tries to take that kid from you I will be the first on the witness stand to tell them what an amazing mother you are. I might be slightly more biased than most, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Olivia bit her lip to stop another round of tears and stood instead, taking the smaller woman's hand again and leading her to the bedroom.

She retrieved an oversized t-shirt from the drawer and discarded her sweats and panties in favour of cream pyjama bottoms before climbing under the covers, turning one bedside lamp off, but leaving the other on so she could see the other woman join her. Amanda had picked up her t-shirt on the way to the bedroom and pulled it back over her head. She lay on top of the covers, unwilling to get under them, knowing what would happen if she did. She had kicked off her boots however, and as she lay down she moved so she was flush against the body under the covers.

"I'm sorry I won't be here when you wake but Katie can only stay until midnight. I don't want you to feel like I'm abandoning you.

Olivia took one arm out from under the comforter and stroked up and down Amanda's bare arm, kissing her softly, and resting her head inches away so she could feel the detective's warmth as they lay together.

"I know, I'm not going to feel abandoned. A bit disorientated and turned on possibly but not abandoned."

Amanda stroked Olivia's hair noting that the long strands were soft and silky as she ran her fingers through them.

"Get some sleep Liv, I'll see you tomorrow and we can see what we can do about that turned on thing."

Olivia gave a small laugh as she began to fall asleep, her breathing slowing.

Amanda stayed watching her for half an hour, amazed and in awe that she was in Olivia's bed, that they had just had sex and that Olivia wasn't objecting to doing it again. She felt around on the bedside table for her phone where she had left it earlier and opened the app to hail a cab. It informed her the cab would be there in 15 minutes. She spent ten of those minutes watching the steady rise and fall of Olivia's chest as she breathed. Kissing the side of Olivia's head, she rose and turned off the bedside lamp, retrieved her jacket from behind the door and made her way out into the cool night air.

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Olivia groaned as the chiming of her phones text message tone woke her. She had put it on repeat so she didn't miss messages when she was on call. She smiled and pressed a finger to her lips, remembering the evening before as she checked the time on her phone. It was 4 a.m. Whoever was waking her they better have a dam good reason.

She read the text once and then sat up re-reading it to make sure she wasn't mistaking what she was reading. It was from Fin. It read,

 _Have you heard from Rollins? Dispatch called me just now. Sitter rang the prescient. Said she fell asleep around 1 a.m. when Amanda didn't show. She's just woken and there's no sign of her anywhere._

Olivia's heart was in her mouth and beating at a rate that was not compatible with breathing normally, causing a head rush that forced her to sit back down when she tried to stand up suddenly. Pulling up Fin's number she stayed seated as she rang him. He picked up on the first ring.

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 **A/N I am gona try and write this on the commute home from work every day but I don't always get the chance to; so as always, you'll need to be a bit patient with me, sorry. Hope you enjoyed that**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you for all your lovely reviews on the Chapter 1. Here goes Chapter 2.**

Olivia's usual graceful entrance into the squad room was replaced by a quick glance to see who was present and a direct line to Fin's desk.

"What've you got so far?"

"Well based on the timeline you gave me, which we'll talk through again later, I need to ask some follow up questions…", Olivia scowled at Fin but she knew it was inevitable he would have to ask more of her, given she was probably the last person to see Amanda before she disappeared. Fin sensed the need for a change of direction so diverted to the next point on his list of things to update Olivia on. It had taken her an hour to get Noah sorted and it had been the longest hour of her life.

"TARU tracked her cell as far as The Plaza Hotel and that's where they lost it. We have three squads there now searching the entire place. Weird thing is, it passed the same place twice in the space of twenty minutes, it seems like she went back the way she came. Katie called again to check in and say she'd take Jessy for the day." Olivia was nodding but Fin wasn't sure she was taking any of it in.

"There's been no purchases on her cards, and I rang Kim, she hasn't heard from her." Fin was reluctant to ask the next question but he knew if it wasn't Amanda he'd be asking it so he took a deep breath and spoke; "She's not gambling again is she?"

"I don't think so. Do you?" Olivia was almost afraid of what Fin was going to say next.

"Nah, I don't think she's even seen a game let alone bet on one since the little one was born." Fin's face was filled with concern not only for his partner but for her little girl as well.

"We're gona find her Fin." Olivia squeezed his shoulder to try and reassure him. But it wasn't even a reassurance she was sure of herself yet, so she doubted she relayed it confidently to the man she counted as one of her most talented colleagues and friends.

Fin nodded and reached for his desk phone when it rang.

"Uh-huh, yeah, ok…thanks"

Fin barely hung up as he started to speak, Carisi joining them with 3 cups of freshly made coffee.

"What's the latest?" he asked, keen as any of them to keep up to date.

"That was Johnson one of the uniforms at the Plaza. The night manager and receptionist didn't see anyone fitting Amanda's description in the building last night. Vasquez found a phone though, battery removed and smashed screen, matches Amanda's cell same blue cover. It's not turning on so he can't tell for sure but he's bagged it and is bringing it in to TARU now. It was wedged between two flagstones that were cracked, just to the left of the main door.

Fin needed to bring the details a few steps back, to get a clearer picture. In order to do that he knew he was going to have to question Olivia. Not in an official capacity, they would keep it off the record. But he still wasn't looking forward to it.

"Liv," he inclined his head towards her office "can we?"

Olivia looked down at her hands but nodded and rose to walk towards her office. Fin stalled for a moment to relay a few instructions to Carisi before following her.

Fin was confused for a second when he walked in, Olivia wasn't sitting at her desk. Then he saw her in the corner of the office on the sofa she kept there for when she needed 10 minutes sleep or a moment to think.

Fin sat down and cleared his throat not sure where to start but figuring the beginning would be best,

"So, she was at yours last night?"

Olivia nodded and looked straight ahead at a fixed point on the back wall of her office.

"What time did she arrive?"

"Around 9:30."

"Was there anything unusual about how she was acting? Anything seem wrong?"

Olivia shook her head then verbalised her answer with a quiet "No". The whole journey to the prescient she had been filtering through every last detail of the night she'd spent with Amanda. Had she said anything that raised a red flag? Was she freaking about what had happened between them? Was she in debt? Eventually Olivia was left with more questions than answers and was glad when she finally got out of the cab and arrived into the squad room.

"She was fine. We had a drink."

"Just one?"  
Olivia nodded. "She didn't even finish the glass. It's still sitting on my living room table." Olivia intertwined her fingers and squeezed hard, trying to concentrate on anything but the tears that were threatening.

"How was she getting home?"

"I… she was… I was asleep when she left, a cab I presume?"  
"You were asleep? So, you don't know what time she left at?"

Olivia shook her head and bit her lip. Fin could see there was something really wrong and he didn't want to push but he had to.

"Liv did something happen? Did you two fight?"

Olivia gave a small sad smile and turned to face her Sargent. "Think about the exact opposite of fighting. That is what we did."

It took Fin a few seconds to register what Olivia had said and although shocked, he hid it well.

"Right. So, you left things ok?"

Olivia thought about Amanda stroking her hair as she fell asleep. She touched the side of her head where Amanda had kissed her when she thought she had been asleep and then looked at Fin.

"Yes, things were good, really good." Olivia looked down at her clasped hands and felt a hand come to rest on them.

"This must be dragging up all kinds for you Liv, I can only imagine. But this is Amanda, this is our girl, we're gona find her." Fin pulled her into a quick, tight embrace and then stood.

"You ok?"  
"Give me a minute and I'll join you." He simply nodded and left. Olivia gave herself 30 seconds to cry and 30 seconds to dry her tears. She knew this was not the time to be weak. She could either do her job and find Amanda or she could fall apart. Option two wasn't even remotely on her radar as she stood and made her way back out into the squad room to join Carisi and Fin at the evidence board where they were adding to a time-line.

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Amanda touched her neck and winced at the pain where her skin was broken from the ligature that had been tied around it. She knew she had passed out, she just wasn't sure for how long. She looked around the motel room she was in. She was tied to a chair with a length of rope around her waist, her ankles bound to the chair legs and her arms looped through the back of the chair with a wrist tied to each side of the frame.

It was daylight from what she could see through the closed curtains. They weren't lined so they let in most of the light. She heard a door slam and she would have screamed were it not for the rag stuffed into her mouth and duct-taped in place.

She tried to remember what had happened but her mind kept going back to the pain in her neck and the rope digging into her ankles and wrists.

As she swallowed she could taste blood in her throat. There was an overwhelming urge to close her eyes and fall asleep again, but she forced herself to stay awake.

The door to the room opened and a man entered.

"Welcome back princess. Wow you're a lot prettier when you're conscious. Amanda took in the man's physical appearance. He had about 100lbs on her and was about a foot taller. She wasn't going to fight her way out of this. She didn't have her weapon and she was at a disadvantage without it. She swore she was going back to the self-defence classes run in the local YMCA when this was over…. if…. no when. She shook her head, not letting the negative thoughts get in. She thought about all she'd learned in therapy; therapy Olivia had finally made her go to. Therapy she didn't think she needed. She was wrong and as she fought the negative thoughts she thought of Olivia, of Jessy, of Noah, of all she had to live for.

The man sat on the bed in front of her, a look in his eye that sent a shiver down her spine. She tried to stop herself showing any outward signs of fear but her heart was racing.

He put a hand on her leg and rubbed her knee. The look in her eyes made him realise any other touch would be met with anger and violence if he tried to touch her. Even restrained Amanda was not going to let this man touch her without putting up a serious fight. He stood and walked away and Amanda surmised this wasn't a professional. Someone who had done this before wouldn't have let a simple look scare him away.

"So, Amanda" Amanda noted the accent, it was Georgia through and through and that piqued the detective's instincts in her, "have you figured out why you're here yet? I hear you're a detective, I'm sure you're good at working shit out."

Amanda was making connections but there were a few missing pieces she needed filling in. She shook her head and the man realised she couldn't answer. "You promise not to scream if I take that off?" he indicated the gag.

Amanda nodded. Stepping close he ripped the tape holding the gag in place. She could smell cannabis and liquor on him. Amanda spat out the rag in her mouth.

She glared at him but didn't speak.

"They said you were the strong silent type"

Amanda had every intention of letting him keep talking. She'd dealt with enough perps at this point to know that guys like this liked to brag and most of the time they ended up saying something to incriminate themselves. So, she sat back and waited, uncomfortable, but safe in the knowledge that someone was missing her by now.

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Fin gave a curt nod to the young uniformed officer who had handed him a folder.

"TARU traced the GPS on her cell more definitively with times and exact locations and matched them to the tracker in the cab." Fin wasn't talking to anyone in particular but rather the room in general.

"She got in a cab outside…," Fin stalled for a moment but Olivia nodded her consent to share the information with those gathered. She had already told Carisi and Barba and right now she didn't care what anybody else thought; "Lieutenant Benson's apartment at 12:39 a.m. She'd booked a cab via the app on her phone. It arrived. We've checked with the driver, he confirmed picking her up, dropping her off at her apartment block, and going to his next job 4 streets over. We confirmed with the next fare that he picked him up around 1:20 a.m.

We checked CCTV outside Amanda's building, she can be seen getting out of the cab at 1:02 a.m.

Fin pressed the remote and pulled the still from the CCTV footage up on the TV screen.

Olivia gripped the pen in her hand tighter as she looked at the image on the screen. She had to look down at the folder Fin had handed her with all of info from TARU, not wanting to gaze to long at the last image of Amanda they had.

"So, she got to her apartment, and then what?" Carisi asked.

"Then she, well her phone anyway, did an about turn and started back towards where she'd come from," Fin answered.

Olivia momentarily wondered if Amanda had wanted to come back to her, to tell her she regretted what had happened between them?".

"Liv?"

"Sorry what?" She hadn't heard what Carisi had asked her.

"I said, she seemed OK leaving yours yeah?"

"Yes, she was… she was fine."

Fin stepped in to save the lieutenant from anymore awkward questions. "I've taken Liv's statement. We have the timeline…"

Olivia held up a hand and smiled her thanks to Fin. "Amanda was fine when she left. We were talking, it got late, I got tired. She left and I was practically asleep before my head hit the pillow. I heard her leave but that's the last thing I remember until Fin's text woke me."

"This is the last CCTV image we have?" Barba asked. Olivia appreciated him being there. He brought a different point of view to the cops in the room and it was sometimes helpful.

"So far yeah." Fin confirmed. "But I have two guys in Interview 1 reviewing footage from everywhere I could get it."

Barba nodded. OK I'm gona head out but if you need a subpoena for any more CCTV or there's any developments let me know?"

They nodded in turn, Carisi giving a brief wave, before they turned back to the evidence in front of them.

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"Say cheese." Amanda flinched as a flash on a phone camera blinded her.

"What the fuck?"

It was the first time she had spoken in a few hours.

"Just wanted a pic to remember my prettiest captive."

Amanda knew that was a lie straight away as she watched him send the picture to someone.

"Your Mom must be so proud."

Her captor's nostrils flared in rage. She had obviously touched a nerve.

"Shut it bitch."

"Who are you sending that to?" Amanda needed to find out what was going on. She was fed up of being held against her will, fearful of not knowing what was going on and beyond scared of not seeing her family and friends again.

"Santa, I'm gona tell him you've been a bad girl this year."

"Oh he knows already."

The mirthless laugh he emitted made Amanda think this man had little in his life beyond the task he was currently carrying out."

"So, who's the lucky guy that's into bondage getting a pic?"  
"Not a guy."  
"What?"

That mirthless laugh again. "I thought they said you were a detective?"

"They, who are they?"

As if sensing he had said too much he stood and walked to the window, phone in hand. The message tone beeped as he stood and partially opened the curtains.

"Who are they?" Amanda asked again, ire rising in her voice.

"You'll find out soon enough princess, in the meantime, shut up look pretty and don't even consider escaping, there's nowhere to run."

Amanda gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. This wasn't going to end well.

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Fin had insisted she go home after 16 hours with no real news. She wanted to stay but it she knew he was right when he said she would be no good to anyone exhausted.

She called Lucy as she left and asked her to drop Noah off at Amanda's apartment. She had already called ahead to tell Katie she would take Jessy that night and arrange plans for the rest of the week. When Katie asked how long she would be staying Olivia had to bite the inside of her cheek to stop the tears as she admitted that she wasn't sure but she would let her know as soon as she did.

Now in Amanda's apartment, she sat in the armchair watching Noah asleep on the sofa bed while Jessy lay asleep in her arms.

Tears fell as she gently kissed the top of Jessy's head humming a lullaby she'd forgotten the words too. She was wearing a hoody of Amanda's, hoping the smell would soothe the small girl in her arms.

"We'll find her, I promise baby we'll find her," she whispered against soft, wispy blonde hair, as the toddler shifted in her arms.

"We'll find her."

Her voice held a conviction her heart didn't feel.

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	3. Chapter 3

Amanda's head was jerked back as someone pulled her hair. The gag was back in place so the scream caught in her throat. Her eyes were gritty and sore but she managed to open them wide enough to see a young woman with auburn hair holding her face inches from hers, a look of absolute contempt on her face.

"Bitch is awake." The grip on her hair tightened and Amanda tried to move her head but the fingers simply pulled tighter.

"She ain't as pretty as I thought." Amanda caught sight of the man who had been in the room as she tried to figure out who the girl had turned her head to talk to.

"She's nothing compared to you baby." He blew the young woman a kiss and Amanda worked out the dynamic of the relationship as the young woman turned back to her and rolled her eyes.

"How can they be related? I mean she's…" The girl shrieked and fell forward against Amanda. When Amanda looked up the man was standing there, breathing heavily, his fist still clenched.

"Shut the fuck up" he spat as the young woman cowered against her. She felt the body against hers tense and heard a small groan as the woman turned to face the man who had just punched her in the side of the head.

"What the hell was that for?"  
If looks could kill the one that was being directed at her would have cut her in two and Amanda saw for the first time that one of her captors had a serious propensity towards violence. She had been thinking all night about how she might talk her way out of this. It had made her ill to think she may have to resort to flirting with this man, memories of the situation with Patton came flooding back as she thought how she might manage to escape without being raped again. She now realised that with the added complications of another person and a clearly volatile temper it was no longer an option. Not that it had ever really been.

The young woman was now standing fully upright, her back resting against a cheap flat pack wardrobe that looked like it might fall apart if she leaned on it any harder.

"You're as dumb as you look you know that? Go and get me some food, I'm hungry."

The young woman didn't respond, simply following orders. She looked like someone who had fought back one to many times and now just acquiesced to prevent another beating. Amanda watched her go and tried to glimpse outside as the motel room door opened. She saw some scrubland and the façade of another part of the building with green flash cladding across the front. But that was all she managed to see in the few seconds the door was opened.

When it closed she felt the man's eyes on her and she held her breath, worried he was still angry and looking for someone to take his anger out on. She exhaled slowly when she realised his attention had turned to the pain in his hand from the punch. He went into the bathroom, presumably to run it under some cold water, and Amanda's thoughts went straight to what the girl had said. 'Related' the word hit her like a fist in the chest. When she hadn't been planning an escape, she had been thinking why exactly she was being held, what these people wanted from her. Were they friends or family of someone she had arrested? Someone she had testified against when she was with the APD? It was so long ago she may not remember them? She had disregarded that; she trusted her memory. But now she knew in no uncertain terms that this involved her family and the anger that overcame her was almost enough to break the restraints holding her, almost. She concentrated on regulating her breathing because she didn't want to hyperventilate and pass out, but with the adrenaline running through her body she found it very difficult. She had just about regained her composure, not wanting to show any sign of weakness, when the man walked back into the room and sat at the small table in the corner, reading a text on his phone and chuckling at its content. Amanda looked at him, taking in every single last detail to make sure that when she was asked to identify him in court there would be no doubt in her mind. She then took in as much of a breath as she could around the gag and tried to quiet the thousands of questions in her mind, ordering them so she could answer them in some logical way.

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Fin looked up from his desk, distracted by the movement as Olivia paced over and back in front of their timeline. She had arrived not long after 7 a.m. asking for an update, which when it didn't come fast enough, earned an ear bashing for one of the uniforms. Fin stepped in before Olivia was done for assaulting a junior officer and guided her into her office with an instruction to stay there for fifteen minutes. She simply nodded. That had been ten minutes ago and now Olivia's movement was making it impossible for him to concentrate. Carisi was sitting at his desk watching more CCTV footage, checking some the uniforms had already checked, in case they had missed anything.

Fin made his way to join Olivia but decided to sit, not wanting to get in her way. He often wore a path in the floor when he was thinking so he didn't want to interrupt Olivia's train of thought. Looking at the timeline his focus zeroed in on the question mark over whereabouts. It nagged him, he felt like it was mocking him.

"Liv?" Fin's voice sounded distant in her ears as Olivia turned to look at him.

"Any updates?" Fin shook his head and Olivia's heart sunk.

"How's Jessy?"

"She was asleep when I left. Lucy and Katie are joining forces for the day and taking them to the zoo." Olivia was trying to keep her tone upbeat but she was failing miserably.

"Right, well if you need help…" Olivia smiled. She wasn't going to call on Fin for child care duties any time soon. It wasn't that she didn't trust him she just didn't want to let either Jessy or Noah out of her sight. As it was she was getting half hourly texts from Lucy to keep her updated. But she knew Fin meant help in all senses of the word, and for that she was so grateful she could count him among her friends.

"Thanks, right now I just need a lead. I need to see… I just…" Olivia sat down and felt a hand rest on her knee, a gentle squeeze from Fin, a subtle comfort she needed.

"We're gona find her Liv."  
"I know, that's what I told Jessy."

"We'll find her for both of you," another gentle squeeze and Fin removed his hand as he heard Carisi approaching.

Lieutenant, there's a call for you. Rollins' mother. I've transferred it to your office. Olivia jumped up and was in her office before Fin got to the door. He didn't ask to enter, he knew this was one time Olivia would not expect that kind of formality. He listened as Olivia asked sporadic questions such as when, how much and where, while writing notes sporadically on the pad in front of her.

When she hung up she laid her head back against her desk chair and closed her eyes for a moment. Fin allowed her to compose herself instead of jumping in with a question. He had met Amanda's mother, he knew any conversation with her could be trying.

Olivia opened her eyes and looked at Fin and Carisi who was standing in the doorway. She gestured for him to come in and he took the chair beside Fin's.

"Beth-Anne Rollins got a text at 2 a.m."

"It's 9:15," Fin interrupted but she held up a hand.

"Semantics later, facts now. The text was a picture of Amanda, tied up and gagged," Olivia's words faltered. She lifted her arms and raked her fingers through her hair, trying to feel something.

"Liv?"

"Sorry," Olivia shook her head and looked back down at the notepad. "I asked her how she knew it was a current photo and she said she wasn't sure. So, we'll need to get TARU on that. She's texting me a copy now; Olivia's phone buzzed as she said the words.

She braced herself by gripping the arm of her chair with one hand, using her other hand to tap the screen and open the attachment. She bit the inside of her cheek as she took in the image of Amanda with a black eye, her neck red raw, gagged and with her hands tied behind her back. She bit harder as she realised they no longer needed TARU to get Beth-Anne Rollins's phone.

"Liv?" Fin spoke quietly.

"It's a current photo. The clothes she's wearing, she had them on night before last. She's also got a stain on leg of her jeans, she told me Jessy had thrown a tantrum and chucked some oatmeal at her when I asked about it." Olivia's eyes returned to the screen.

"Ok, bring this to someone who knows what they're doing with photos. Have them go every single detail, see if they can't see something we're not. Carisi I need you to ring Beth-Anne Rollins again. She owes someone money, she wouldn't be specific with me but I need you to get it out of her. Dig around, ask questions, don't let her sweet talk you. Book a flight to Atlanta if you have to." Carisi nodded and made his exit. Fin stood to make leave too and print off the photo Olivia had e-mailed him.

"Debt?" he asked.

Olivia honestly didn't know the answer. "Could be. Might be there's no connection. I can't see why they'd be texting her otherwise though."

Fin nodded.

"You know why I asked Carisi to call right?"  
"Because I would have lost it and ripped her apart?" Fin said, not a hint of sarcasm in his tone.

Olivia nodded "Ok, just so we're clear."  
"Clear as day Lieutenant." Fin nodded and closed the door.

Olivia rested her head back again and took a deep breath, willing herself not to book a flight to Atlanta and arrest Beth-Anne Rollins. For what she wasn't sure. She was sure however that if any harm came to Amanda it was her mother that was to blame.

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"You went out for pizza and forgot the garlic dip. What the fuck is wrong with you idiot?" Amanda woke to a shriek as the woman returned to a backhand across the face for forgetting garlic dip. Amanda winced as she saw the blood run down the young woman's split lip.

"Sorry" she said quietly, trying to hold back tears. Amanda's rage was rising and her blood pressure was off the charts, such was her anger. She realised now that the girl's earlier jeering of her was all bravado, an act to try and make it look like she was tough, to the man who was holding her captive; she was not.

The young woman retreated to the bathroom as the thug sat at the table and began to shovel pizza into his mouth. Amanda's stomach rumbled and he laughed at her.

"Woah, we forgot to feed you for a while didn't we? Where are my manners?"

Amanda watched him approach, pizza slice in hand, wincing again as he ripped the masking tape from her face.

Putting the pizza in front of her face he expected her to beg for it, but begging was something Amanda Rollins didn't do.

"Have a little bite," he put the pizza to her lips, "and then afterwards a little suck" he said, grabbing his crotch. Amanda spat on the pizza and it gained her a slap but she didn't care. She was going to fight this, she was not going to let this man control her. She closed her eyes as the sting from the blow wore off. In her mind, she could see Jessy sitting in her lap on the beach as the built a sandcastle. Olivia, Noah and Franny were walking towards them waving and smiling. These slight sojourns into fantasy helped to keep her going when she felt as if she was losing her mind completely. She only hoped fantasy could become reality.

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	4. Chapter 4

Olivia jerked awake, her heart beating out of her chest, trying desperately to catch her breath. It took a full minute for her to calm enough to check the time. 5:17 a.m.

She wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing her arms vigorously to stave off the cold that seemed to go deep into her bones. She had woken like that the last three nights. Nightmares that haunted her sleep, but also disrupted her waking hours. Flashes of Lewis, that room, her old apartment, making her physically ill more than once. Fin noticed, tried to calm her, but nothing short of seeing Amanda alive was going to do that.

She made it as far as Noah's room door and stopped to look in on him and Jessy fast asleep; the latter in Noah's old travel cot, her favourite fleece blanket now tangled around her legs as she had moved in her sleep. Noah had loaned her his polar bear teddy and she had it caught by the neck under her small arm, holding it tightly.

She sat on a beanbag in the corner of the room and watched the two of the three most important people in her life. She watched small chests rise and fall and tried to regulate her own breathing. She stayed there for a while watching, waiting, hoping.

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The loud thud shook Amanda from a fitful rest she was just entering into. She had been thinking about Olivia, about that final kiss she had placed on her head before she left that night. She wasn't sure what night, days were blurring together now. She was weak and sleep deprived and starting to lose sense of night and day. Her memories were the only thing keeping her sane now.

She shook her head slowly to try and move some hair that had fallen into them when she had rested her head forward to close her eyes and try and stop an ache in her neck. She smiled briefly as she thought of the massage she had given Olivia and wished more than anything she was there right now to give her a massage.

She eventually managed to identify the source of the thud. The man had left and slammed the door as he did. The young girl was sitting at the table, watching her.

"Hey, you're awake."

Amanda didn't respond, couldn't with the gag. She got the same sense from the girl that she did from the guy. This was the first time they'd done this. Neither were seasoned professionals. They gave up clues way to easily and although they had yet to use names she glimpsed a nametag clipped onto the girls' handbag, clearly used for work, which told Amanda her first name was Carly. Amanda decided, somewhere in the midst of her jumbled thoughts that Carly was the weak link. If she could work on her without him around, she might have a chance. It didn't happen often that he wasn't there so seeing her chance, she nodded towards the bottled water on the table. Carly took the hint and stood removing the gag much more gently than her other half did, holding the bottle to her lips so she could drink.

"Thanks." Amanda managed, her throat still feeling like she had swallowed gravel.

"He's only gone for like a half hour," Carly said, as if asserting some kind of power without in fact doing any such thing. It was a threat, but it didn't come off like one.

Amanda nodded. She realised now was her time to work on that weak link theory.

"He got a name." She heard Carly snort as she laughed. "Do I look stupid to you?" Amanda didn't answer that. In actual fact, the purpose of her question was to make herself look incompetent, to lull her into a false sense of security.

"Jeez they said you were a detective, I thought you'd at least be smart."  
"They? You mean my mother and sister?"

Amanda saw the panic flash across her features momentarily and it confirmed all she needed to know.

"Please don't tell him I told you," Carly pleaded.

Amanda shook her head; "I already knew, it's ok. I won't tell him anything."

This seemed to assuage the young woman somewhat. When he wasn't around she was a lot calmer, a lot less aggressive. Amanda didn't want to use her, but she needed out of this situation and if using her was how it was going to happen then it had to be the way.

"What's your name?" Amanda asked, pretending not to know.

"Carrie," Carly responded. Not bad Amanda thought, not so far from her own name that she wouldn't remember it if she asked her again.

"Carrie, I'm Amanda." Hostage negotiation 101 started to run through her head, and although she was used to doing the negotiating the principles still applied, this was a form of negotiation.

"I know, they told me." Another titbit for Amanda to store away; this operation was more than just Carrie and her boyfriend, although she had presumed that already.

"Ok well I'm also a Mom, and right now I'm really missing my little girl." She didn't want to show weakness but she needed to appear human to this young woman, need to make her see beyond her as just a hostage.

"Do you have any kids?" Carly shook her head. "Naw, he doesn't want em, says I'm a big enough kid." Amanda already knew this was a very one-sided relationship but now she knew Carly wasn't completely devoid of independent thoughts and feelings. Sometimes she saw people who became so indoctrined into their abusers' way of thinking they became God like to them. This was not the case with Carly and this man.

"Well you don't have to stay with him."

"He's good to me." Amanda held back a stinging reply to that obvious lie.

"You from around here?"

Carly shook her head, as if remembering she really shouldn't be talking to her, but desperately wanting to have a conversation with someone else.

"My little girl is going to be missing me desperately, I'm missing her so much." Amanda could hear the pleading in her tone but she couldn't hide it.

"He's not gona kill you, no-one pays enough to kill a cop. I told him he needed to get more than he is, but he says he already owes them twenty grand, so he can't do better."

Owing that kind of money, Amanda imagined this guy was an even worse gambler than her, or there were drugs of some kind.

"Well, that's good to know. But I just…," Amanda shook her head, losing her train of thought, tiredness gnawing at her senses. "I miss her. She's my world."

"Don't tell him that. He doesn't like kids and he knows where you live." Amanda's heart leapt into her throat at that statement. She felt like she might throw up but she swallowed and took a deep breath to prevent it. She now at least knew it was him who had come up behind her in the hall of her apartment block and strangled her while holding a cloth to her face, presumably with some kind of noxious substance in it to knock her out. What she couldn't figure out was how he had gotten her out of the building without anyone noticing. She decided she no longer wanted to talk, certainly not about Jessy. Carly sensed this and seemed to realise she had said too much as well. She turned to look at her phone, which had vibrated on the table when they were talking.

"He's on his way back," she said, almost apologetically. Amanda nodded and winced only slightly as Carly replaced the gag.

She had a feeling if she could get another chance to work on Carly, she might not get free, but she could get some more information on what was going. She didn't take her reassurances that he wouldn't kill her seriously. She had seen violent thugs like him turn in a heartbeat and kill. She just hoped someone found her before that became a reality.

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Olivia nodded towards Fin as she entered the squad room. She walked to her office, closed the door and took a deep breath before sitting in her chair. The paperwork was piling up fast on both sides of her desk and she couldn't concentrate on anything. She had tried to bring some of it home but she simply brought it home, didn't look at it, brought it back and added it to the pile. It was a futile exercise that she gave up the day before.

There was a light knock on the door and Carisi popped his head in. She forced a smile, reminding herself that they were all suffering and the least she could do was be professional when she was in work.

"Hey Lieu, you got a minute?"

Olivia nodded, "Sure, come in."

Carisi sat and put a folder on her desk. I did some more digggin' on the names Beth Ann Rollins gave me. The guy she owed money to, she didn't have a real name, just Charlie. Vice in Atlanta gave me 5 possibilities. Thankfully Rollins getting rid of Patton gave her some bonus points with the prescient. Taymor in particular is going out of her way to help on this. She is working on our 5 Charlie's to figure out which one we should be talking to. I said I'd fly down when she had narrowed it down and work with her, provided that's ok with you?"

"Let me know what she comes up with and we'll decide on a place of action then."  
"Ok." Carisi stood to leave but turned back around as he was at the door. "Is Jessy… is she ok?"

Olivia smiled, she knew how much the little girl meant to her newest detective. "She's fine. Lucy and Katie are taking it in turns to stay with her and Noah day and night so they're in good hands.

Carisi nodded and left.

Olivia felt slightly guilty; she knew Carisi was interested in Amanda and saw potential for a relationship with her. Hell, up until the night Amanda went missing she might have seen it too. Admittedly the little green monster may have reared its ugly head, but she would have been happy for them. Now though, in the middle of the night when she was wide awake after another nightmare she would soothe herself imagining a future with Amanda. Them as a family, living together, watching their kids grow up. Growing old together. She had thought about it all. It was never something she had done with any other relationship in her life. She had only spent one night with the younger woman. But that one night was enough to see her planning a life for them. Now all she could think was, if any harm came to her she would never forgive herself.

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 **A/N: Sorry this one is going a lot slower than I wanted. I was on holidays and then I just had a total mental block on how to get Amanda out of this – thankfully it came to me on a bus one morning at 7 a.m. So, it should be easier from here on out, providing the holidays don't get in the way too much. Thanks for sticking with me and for all the great reviews, much appreciated x**


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia looked at Carisi who had just slapped the desk; in frustration or elation she wasn't sure. His features became clearer as he approached her office door.

"Taymor just messaged me. We have a name; Charlie Adams, 47, career scumbag, plenty of priors in Georgia, none that stuck due to his ability to get everyone else to take the fall. Rollins' Mom owed him $5,000. Small fry but Kim opened her big mouth to the wrong people about him not calling in the debt. The broken arm was a warning. They didn't listen. He said he was gona come after her daughter. Beth-Ann forgot she has two and…. well you know the rest."

Olivia's stomach lurched and she swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. She nodded as Carisi stood watching her, waiting for some instructions. It took her another ten seconds to be sure she wasn't going to be sick before she spoke.

"Ok, we still don't know she's in Georgia but given this guy has spent the majority of his life there, we can make a good guess. I don't want anyone making any move until we're sure though."

"Taymor is gona find a reason to pull Adams in."

"For what?"  
"She said she'd think of something."

Olivia gave a small smile, reassured that Reese Taymor was as fond of Amanda as all of them were.

"Ok, keep me up to speed."

Carisi nodded and headed back towards the squad room.

Olivia's cell phone vibrated on the desk and she unlocked the screen, tapping it to open a video message from Lucy. Noah was lying on his back on her living room floor, laughing. Jessy was standing beside him on wobbly legs being held up by Katie, both of them covered in paint. Apparently, the planned activity for the day had gone slightly awry but Olivia didn't care. She was just happy to see them smiling. Jessy was getting harder to settle at night and she had woken up crying for her Momma last night. Olivia had sat with her and they cried together, falling asleep with tears in their eyes around 2 a.m. The tears threatened again as she looked at the little girl, seeing her Mum so clearly in the small face. Olivia shook her head. This wasn't the time or place and they finally had a lead. She was going to find Amanda and when she did she was never letting her go again.

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Amanda heard the door open and her captor returned, a smell of alcohol and cannabis wafting in with him. Carly was in the bathroom and was just walking out when he came in. The loud slap of his large hand against her pale skin made Amanda wince.

"What the fuck Dean?" The use of his name earned her another slap, this time harder. Amanda was enraged she could do nothing about it. She wanted to punch him hard.

"What the fuck were you doin' leaving her alone?"

"I was gone for a minute. I had to pee. She wasn't going anywhere."

Dean, as Amanda now knew him to be called, grabbed her by the throat and threw her against the wall. Amanda swept the room for the location of the gun, afraid that in this state he was liable to kill anyone, her included.

Carly was gasping for air when he finally released her. She bent double trying not to pass out on the floor as he turned and kicked the table, upending the remains of what Carly had been eating, some of which she had shared with Amanda.

"You really are a dumb bitch. Why did I ever hook up with you?"  
Carly was wise enough not to answer. She didn't want to aggravate the situation any further. Amanda however, saw the flash of anger in his eyes and knew this wasn't over.

As Carly began to stand he grabbed her by the hair and dragged her across the room, throwing her on the bed.

"Oh, now I remember, well you're good for one thing anyway." Carly was shaking, Amanda could see her clearly from where she sat. Dean ripped off her underwear and threw it on the floor. As he reached for his belt Amanda's stomach rebelled. She could not watch this, would not watch this. She might be physically restrained but she still had her voice and she had noticed that the sticky tape across her mouth was no longer as sticky due to repeated removal. She was going to use it to her advantage when she was alone, if she ever was, and call for help. But there was no time for that now. Instead she used her tongue to push, and just as Dean pinned Carly's hands above her head, Amanda spat the tape off.

Her loud scream alerted him to the fact something wasn't right.

"What the fuck?"

Amanda screamed again, louder this time.

"I told you before bitch," he stood up from the bed and moved towards her as he spoke, fury warping his features "there's no-one near, no-one is gona hear you scream."

Amanda knew this was no longer true. In the hours of silence, she had begun to listen for any indication as to where she might be. She heard a door close downstairs about an hour previously; someone else was now staying wherever they were. She screamed again and this earned her a slap but Amanda didn't care. He could beat her all he wanted. He was not going to rape Carly while she watched, not while she still had breath in her body.

He reached for the bag he kept in the wardrobe, punching the door in frustration when he found it gone.

"Where the fuck is my bag?" Carly didn't answer, cowering instead in the corner of the bed, trying to swallow the sobs that were wracking her body.

Amanda answered him, knowing he'd forgotten in his drunken and stoned state that he took it with him earlier.

"I could just slit your throat to stop you screaming, but it'd probably be too messy." He sneered as he picked up the knife he used to cut his pizza, holding it briefly to her throat.

He turned to look at Carly, who was huddled in the corner of the bed. "I'm going to the truck to get some more tape to shut this bitch up. Make sure you keep an eye on her this time you dumb fuck." With that he was gone. Amanda immediately returned her gaze to Carly saying her real name softly. The young woman looked dazed but Amanda knew it was now or never.

"Carly" she whispered again. Carly moved towards the edge of the bed.

"We need to be quick… look at me." Carly lifted her eyes and looked straight into Amanda's.

"Carly he's going to rape you, I know you know that." Carly was about to start crying again and it broke Amanda's heart but she didn't have time to comfort her right now.

"You need to untie me." Carly opened her mouth to object but Amanda continued on. "I've been raped Carly, it's not something you ever forget." Amanda had a brief flashback earlier when Dean was hovering over Carly of Patton glaring at her in the motel room.

"Carly, please, we can get out of this, I'll help you. But you have to untie me, quickly please."

The young woman nodded and stood, grabbing the knife that had been held to Amanda's throat moments earlier and ripping through the ropes with long harsh cuts. Amanda imagined she was thinking about how satisfying it would be to use that knife on Dean.

Amanda felt the last rope cut away from her ankle and stood shaking her arms and legs to return the blood flow to her extremities. She felt slightly light headed for a moment, but it passed as the blood started to flow properly around her body. She grabbed the knife and saw the terrified look in Carly's eyes. She realised this young woman was genuinely terrified.

"This is for protection, I'm not gona hurt you."

The door to the room opened just as the words were out of Amanda's mouth. It took him a second to realise what was going on, given his inebriation, but when he did his first instinct was to reach for the gun. Amanda had expected this however, and was already ducking as he picked it up. Luckily for her he had a crap aim, even worse in his current state. He shot the wall behind her as she ducked, pushing Carly onto the floor with her, covering her body as they stayed low.

"Crawl" she whispered into Carly's ear as they moved along the floor slowly.

Dean was still trying to figure out where they were and when he spotted them on the floor, he let off another shot, this time hitting the frame on the bathroom door.

"Fuck," he muttered as he aimed and fired again, this time hitting the mirror in the bathroom as his own reflection startled him. Both women had moved at this stage and Amanda knew they needed to get to their feet soon and run. He had failed to notice as he continued to shoot blindly at nothing that both Carly and Amanda had advanced to a point where Amanda was within arm's length. Plunging the knife into his shin, Amanda felt a deep sense of satisfaction as he fell to the floor screaming, pulling the trigger again and shooting a ceiling tile out. It fell on top of him and Amanda muttered "Karma" as she stood and brought Carly up with her.

"Come on, we have to get out of here now." Amanda grabbed Carly's arm and moved her out of the room at speed. She had no idea where they were or what they were going to do but she knew Dean wasn't out of it enough not to be able to chase them. Carly was moving as fast as her legs could carry her but she was still shaking. Amanda stopped in a stairwell to look at her momentarily and ask the three questions she needed immediate answers.

"Where are we?"  
"We're about 40 miles outside of Madison, near the south-east entrance to the National Forest.

"Ok, have you got a car here?"

"No. I get a lift out with a friend who works as a ranger in the park and walk about 5 miles to the motel."

"Where is the main office?"

"Down these stairs on the left. But there's never anyone there. I think Charlie pays them to keep it like that."  
Ok Amanda nodded, storing away the name Charlie for later. They made it down the stairs and saw the people who were in the room below standing outside. They had obviously heard the gunshots and gotten scared. Amanda didn't blame them.

"Sir." Amanda addressed the elderly man who looked about ready to keel over; even the sound of her voice made him jump.

She held up both her hands and instructed Carly to do the same, to indicate they were not armed.

"Sir I'm with the NYPD."

"NYPD?" His question was a valid one, she was far from what she now considered to be her home.

"Yes, I was kidnapped. The gunshots you heard, that was the man who was keeping me hostage. He is currently incapacitated but I believe he won't be for long, so we are all in danger. Do you have a vehicle here?" He nodded but looked sceptical.

"I need you to go inside, grab the keys and we need to get out of here."

"I don't know, I mean how do I know you weren't the one doing the shooting?"  
Amanda's frustration peaked, but she knew getting angry was not going to help the situation.

"Because sir, I am not armed." Amanda lifted her shirt and turned around to show she had no weapons anywhere on her. Still the old man wasn't convinced. Suddenly a loud roar came from the floor above them. Dean was definitely no longer incapacitated. The woman who had stood beside her husband, saying nothing, ran inside and grabbed the keys before he had time to move.

She tossed them to Amanda as she came back out the door and simply said "Drive" as they moved as fast as they could towards the old beat up Mustang.

Dean was on the ground floor, shooting wildly again as Amanda gunned the engine. His aim had obviously improved, the knock to the head having sobered him up clearly. He hit the wing mirror with one shot and the trunk with another. But Amanda had been top of her class in driving in the academy and it showed as she squealed out of the carpark. As they got further down the road Amanda finally took a proper breath and began to feel all of the injuries to her body. She ached everywhere and the adrenaline was starting to wear off, causing a chill to set in.

"Does anyone have a cell phone?" All of the passengers shook their heads and Amanda cursed having to leave behind an angry shooter. She wanted to call it in but she had no way.

"Where is the nearest town?" she asked. No one answered.

Carly looked straight ahead as she realised the enormity of what was happening.

"You're taking me to the cops, aren't you?"

Amanda reached out and squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I have to get us to a police station yes. But when we get there I'm going to talk to the people in charge, explain what happened." Carly continued to stare straight ahead, seeming almost resigned to her fate, knowing if she had stayed where she was it would have been far worse.

"Madison is the nearest big town. The one where the cop shop is still open. Most of the smaller towns are covered by it. Amanda nodded and gave her hand another reassuring squeeze. She wasn't going to tell Carly everything would be ok, she couldn't. She was going to do her best to see to it that Carly wasn't arrested or jailed for her part in this. She was just as much a victim as Amanda.

The clearing of a throat behind her startled her slightly. It was the lady sitting directly behind her.

"I'm Bernadette, this is Roger. And you are?" Amanda laughed at the absurdity of the situation. She'd all but stolen this couple's car and almost forgotten they were there. "I'm Detective Amanda Rollins and this is Carly. Thank you very much for the loan of your car Bernadette."

"You're most welcome. You mind telling me why that man was shooting at you two lovely young ladies?" Amanda wasn't sure she knew the full story yet, but she had most of it pieced together. She was pretty sure Bernadette and Roger didn't want all the gory details however.

"Family conflict."  
"Oh yes, we know about that don't we Roger?" Roger grunted, still not happy that a woman was driving his car.

"Last Thanksgiving our son brought home a woman twice his age for dinner. She was at least fifty. She just wants his money. We tried to tell him, didn't we Roger?" Roger grunted again and Amanda realised this was going to be a rather one-sided conversation. She was ok with that though, she wasn't really in the mood to talk. She would happily listen to Bernadette's inane ramblings as they drove.

It took them an hour to get to Madison, pulling into the parking lot as darkness fell. Amanda instructed them to stay in the car as she made her way into the precinct. She inhaled the distinctive smell that said precinct as she walked in and felt relief flood through her, so much so it made her dizzy so she sat in the metal chairs of the waiting room. She heard a voice address her but she was unable to answer, holding up her hand to indicate she needed a moment to compose herself.

The cop behind the desk was a matronly figure however, and wanted to know everything yesterday.

"Are you hurt?" she asked Amanda as she sat beside her on the chairs. "Hey, I know you. You're that cop whose picture is up in all the departments. Rollins, right?

Amanda smiled slightly and nodded her head, lifting it finally to look at the lady sitting beside her.

"I need to talk to you but first off I desperately need to make a phone call. Do you think that's possible?"  
"Of course, come on back." The woman, whose badge read Seargent T. Collins, entered the code, buzzing the door to the back-office open. "I'm gona call it in that you've been found if that's ok?" Seargent Collins asked. "Before you do Seargent, there are some people outside parked up in a old black Mustang; a man and woman, late 70's and a young woman in her early 20's. They need to be brought in for questioning. Do you think you could possibly get them and bring them in?"

"Of course. You can use any of those phones to make your call, just press zero for an outside line." Amanda nodded and fell heavily into one of the old worn desk chairs reaching for the phone. She dialled the number she knew by heart and closed her eyes. The phone answered on the second ring.

"Lieutenant Benson." Amanda's breath caught at the sound of Olivia's voice.

"Hi Liv."

"Amanda?" Olivia whispered, barely daring to believe it.

"Yeah, it's me. Amanda cursed herself for such a basic response but she could feel the energy seeping from her the moment she sat down.

"Oh God, what… I mean where… where are you? Are you safe?

"I'm in Madison and it is a very long story. I just needed to hear your voice."

"I can't believe it." Amanda could hear the tears in Olivia's voice.

"Don't cry Liv, I'm ok."  
"I'm only going to believe that when I have you in my arms."

"Soon baby, I promise. Is Jessy ok?"

"She's missing her Momma, but she's ok. We've been keeping her busy."

Amanda felt another wave of relief wash over her.

"Liv I'm gona have to go, the Seargent here has just brought in some witnesses and a suspect and I'm going to have to explain some basics before we segregate them to start interviews." Olivia was about to object until Amanda made it clear she knew she couldn't be involved in any of it.

"I'm just gona tell them what I know, that's all. I'll need to be interviewed as well. And I need them to put a BOLO out on the guy who was holding me."

"Do you have a name?"

"Not a fully one yet, first name Dean. But I have his girlfriend, or soon to be ex, I'd guess. So, I'm pretty sure they can get her to turn on him.

"God… you're really ok?"

Amanda smiled at the tenderness in Olivia's voice.

"I am, I promise. I'll talk to you really soon."

"I'll fly down if you want?"  
"No I'll be home tomorrow if IAB get here quickly. Any chance you could call Tucker and get him to pull some strings?" Amanda hated to bring up Olivia's ex, but right now she didn't care. She just knew she had to get back to New York as soon as possible.

"I'll do my best.

"I'll see you really soon." Amanda left unspoken the words she wanted to say next, wanting more than anything to be beside Olivia when she said them.

"Yes you will."

"Bye."  
"Bye Amanda."

Amanda felt tears sting her eyes as she hung up. She wiped them away as Seargent Collins approached her. "You're gona need to give us some help here Detective."

Amanda nodded and stood slowly, making her way to one of the interview rooms.

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 **A/N All spelling mistakes are mine cause it's after 2 a.m. so my ability to be any good at the English language has deserted me! Hope you enjoyed it.**


	6. Chapter 6

Two days in Madison felt like two weeks. Tucker did his best to speed up the IAB investigation but finding Dean Jackman and Charlie Adams was proving tougher than anyone anticipated. Amanda was sure that if they found Dean he would lead them to Charlie and Carly had confirmed that theory. She also confirmed Amanda's theory that Dean was new to this. He was a small-time dealer who had been ripped off by a kid who was working for two different big-time dealers, Charlie and another guy called Scott O'Sullivan. He stole all of Dean's customers – losing Charlie big money – without Dean noticing. Instead of teaching the kid a lesson, Charlie decided it was Dean's fault and that his debt would only be repaid when he proved his worth by kidnapping Amanda and making sure he got the money he was owed from Beth-Anne Rollins. Things weren't looking too good for Dean. As midnight on day 2 of freedom approached however, Amanda didn't care. She had two things on her mind. Confronting her blood family and holding the family she chose for herself close. She couldn't decide what order she wanted to do them in but the decision was taken away from her when there was a knock on her apartment door on Tuesday evening. Getting up and walking over to the heavy oak door, she looked through the peephole and her breath caught in her chest as she saw the tall brunette smiling back at her, her image warped by the small lump of glass but that smile unmistakable. Opening the 3 locks on the door – including the extra one Tucker had insisted they fit – Amanda opened the door wide and was swept into a hug that took her breath away. Standing just inside the door, arms wrapped tight around each other, Amanda felt tears against her neck. She was shocked; she had only seen Olivia cry once before, at Dodds' funeral. She wasn't used to seeing the vulnerable side of this strong woman. But then she remembered all the thoughts that had gone through her head when Lewis had taken Olivia. The same awful thoughts that must have occurred to Olivia over the past ten days.

She didn't speak, didn't break the connection. Instead she kicked the door closed and walked backwards slowly with the brunette wrapped in her arms, sitting slowly onto the sofa in the small living area, feeling the taller woman wrap her body into her side tightly. She could tell by holding Olivia that she had lost weight and she was instantly worried about her. But the worry was replaced by relief as she felt a gentle kiss on her cheek as Olivia lifted herself, cupping her cheek so she could look into her eyes, careful to avoid the bruising that marred her pale skin.

"Hi" Amanda said quietly, leaning in for a soft brief kiss, lips barely touching. Olivia's eyes were still closed when she leaned back and it made her smile.

"Hi yourself" Olivia said, slowly opening her eyes.

"First and most important, Jessy is with me. She isn't physically with me right now, I had to drag your whereabouts out of Ed, but she is with Katie and Lucy in a hotel not far from here. I can bring you there now if you like. Amanda pulled Olivia in for another hug.

"Let me catch my breath and make sure you're real and then we'll go see my baby girl."

Olivia held her close again. She didn't really want to let her go but she knew if she was in Amanda's shoes she would be chomping at the bit to see Noah by now.

"I can't believe you're here." Olivia smiled and leaned in for another kiss, lingering momentarily this time, to reassure Amanda that she was really there.

"Still here, still in one piece". Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia and kissed the top of her head, stroking her back. They sat like that for a few minutes, quiet and relieved, revelling in the feeling of being in each other's arms. But Olivia knew that Amanda was longing to go and see Jessy, her mothering instincts had been well honed since Noah had come into her life. Sitting up she kept the body contact but turned so she was able to look into searching blue eyes.

"Let's go see your little girl. When I told her you would be round to see her today she started babbling incessantly about Mama, and something about a pink pony? We couldn't quite work that one out?"

"I promised her a pink pony for Christmas – not a real one." Amanda said at the quizzical look she got from Olivia. She probably thinks I've been visiting Santa in the dam North Poll. I've been gone so she probably thinks I'm bringing her a pink pony."

"We can stop by a toy store on the way."

Amanda smiled and leaned in for another kiss, "Where would I be without you?"  
"Safe." Olivia lowered her eyes to her lap and sighed.

"Oh no, no Benson, no. You don't get to do that."

Olivia looked up and met those eyes again, this time a darker, stormier blue. "What?"  
"You don't get to blame yourself for this. This is on my mother and sister. This is all on them." Amanda's tone was vehement, there was no room for argument so Olivia didn't try.

"I think I passed a toy store a few miles back. You ready to go?"  
Amanda gave the brunette one last hug and stood holding her hand out. "Let's go see our babies."

Olivia smiled and took the smaller hand, intertwining their fingers.

"You know if there's no pink pony we're gona have to buy her a real one, right?"

Olivia laughed and squeezed their hands tighter together. "She'll be so happy to see you, she won't even remember the pony."  
"Trust me, she's my kid, she has a memory like an elephant. She'll remember."

Their laughter followed them out the door.

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"Thanks Fin. I know, I'll see you soon, bye"

Amanda hung up Olivia's cell and handed it back to her.

"Wow, for a guy that doesn't say much, he didn't want to let me off the phone."  
"He's been up the walls with worry. Carisi was doing a lot of the legwork but Fin was asleep at his desk one morning when I came in, never went home."

"He did the same when Lewis took you. We actually stayed there most nights, each getting a few hours in the bunks."

Olivia's gaze drifted out the window of the hotel room and for a moment she held her breath. Amanda sat beside her and took her right hand in both of hers.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned him."

"No, it's not that. It's just that… when you… I just… did he?" Olivia's voice caught in her throat as she turned to look at the younger woman.

"He hit me, roughed me up, suggested he'd do more. But he didn't rape me Liv."

Olivia let out a breath and the tears she had been holding back started to fall.

"Oh hey, hey, no c'mere."

"I'm sorry… I'm trying to be strong, I am, it's just…" Olivia buried her head in the side of Amanda's neck and tried to control the emotions that had been flooding through her ever since she had first seen her that morning.

"Sshhh, Liv, it's ok. This must be bringing up horrible memories for you, I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I promise you he didn't hurt me. He was too much of an amateur to know what he was doing. He was abusive to the girlfriend, but he knew that if I got an arm free I'd rip him limb from limb." Amanda felt Olivia smile against her neck.

"They'll find him you know?" Olivia said quietly lifting her head to take in the profile of the resolute woman she was falling for. "Madison PD might have jurisdiction but they have back up from the NYPD and APD and Tucker has a few of the guys from IAB helping out, they'll find him."

"I know, he's dumb as a box of rocks, I'm surprised they haven't found him already. Carly gave them some hideouts. It won't be long."

"This Carly girl, she was helping him out?"  
"She was being forced, as much by circumstance as anything else. I found out she has a little girl about Jessy's age; working 2 jobs to live in a hovel. Dean had promised her a piece of the takings when my excuse for a family finally coughed up the money they owed. She's not a bad kid she just has a really hard life."

"Your mom…"

Amanda shook her head; "Tomorrow, I don't have the energy right now." Olivia nodded sensing the need to drop the topic for now.

Amanda yawned as if to reiterate the point she had just made, unable to stop the feeling of exhaustion washing over her."

"You must be shattered."

"Mmm." Amanda nodded and began to eye the bed. "I'm not going to lie, reuniting with everyone today has taken it out of me. I'm pretty tired."

Lucy, Katie, Noah and Jessy had gotten a family room next-door to Amanda and Olivia. Between them, the two babysitters had worked out that Amanda and Olivia were more than colleagues, but they hadn't mentioned it, merely offered to get a family room. The two women were taken aback but accepted without hesitation. Amanda had dreamt about the night she would reunite with Olivia, she never doubted it would happen and she wanted it to be perfect. Right now, however, all she wanted to do was sleep.

"I brought a few things for you. They're in a bag in the cupboard."

"You're my knight in shining armour."

Olivia retrieved the bag from the cupboard and took out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt she knew Amanda slept in. Amanda walked over to the bed and sat down. She realised her mistake straight away as she felt the soft mattress hit the back of her legs.

"You're not getting back up, are you?" Olivia grinned and held out the pyjamas to the other woman, who had reclined on the bed and was finding it difficult to hold herself up on her elbows. Olivia sat on the bed beside her and began to unfasten the button on her jeans. Amanda lay down fully and threw her arm across her eyes.

"Of all the ways I dreamt you were going to be undressing me, this was not one."

Olivia laughed and began to push the jeans off Amanda's hips and down her lean legs, moving off the bed to get them off completely. She unzipped Amanda's boots and the blonde helped by kicking them off before Olivia removed her socks.

"Ok, up." Olivia instructed, but Amanda made no effort to move.

"Rollins."

"Don't use your Lieutenant's voice on me, it's not gona work." Amanda gave a half smile and stuck out her tongue. Olivia laughed again and leaned down to help Amanda sit up.

"Nuh-uh." Amanda fell back against the comforter. She reminded Olivia so much of her daughter it was unbelievable. She didn't try to reason with her, in the same way she often didn't try to reason with Jessy when she was tired. Instead she tried to come up with a practical way to get around the fact Amanda was no longer able to hold herself up in order to get changed.

She sat back up on the bed beside her, reaching under the hem of her t-shirt and pushing it up over her abdomen. Getting as far as her breasts, she put an arm under her shoulders, lifted her slightly and moved the t-shirt the rest of the way off. The bra seemed like too much effort but Olivia knew how uncomfortable it was to sleep in one so she tried to work out the best plan for getting Amanda out of it and into her pyjama top. There was only one way, so she knelt across the smaller woman's body and pulled her up, holding her against her while unclasping her bra at speed. She then felt around frantically for the shirt, finding it and pulling it over Amanda's head in record speed, counting her blessings it was so close as she once again lost the battle to keep the smaller woman upright, weariness making her whole body heavy.

Olivia stood and removed her own shirt and jeans, deciding that sleeping in her tank top and panties was sufficient. She didn't want to be away from Amanda and had spent most of the day in the same room as her, watching her, escorting her anywhere she needed to go. Amanda noticed but didn't say anything. She knew it was more to do with Olivia's own trauma than anything she had gone through that she was doing it. She simply allowed it to happen and took Olivia's hand in hers every so often to reassure her she was really there.

Olivia managed to manoeuvre Amanda under the comforter and sheet without too much effort and rolled onto her side to face her, still unable to let her out of her sight. She wasn't sure she would sleep but she knew that having Amanda so close would help. Amanda was almost asleep as she murmured "I love you" against Olivia's cheek as her eyes fluttered closed.

Olivia held her close and whispered quietly into her ear to make sure she heard "I love you too."

The blonde snuggled her head closer and rested it under Olivia's chin, a hand resting on her hip as she fell into a deep sleep. Olivia kissed the top of her head, just had she had felt Amanda do the night she was taken and allowed tears to fall again, this time tears of happiness that the woman she loved was safe and in her arms.

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 **A/N I'm so sorry this has taken so long. Between Christmas and New Year and being unwell I've just been incapable of coherent thought. I do have another few chapters to add to it, so it might be a bit longer between chapters but stick with me if you haven't gotten bored already. Thanks for all your feedback and reviews. I may not always respond, but that doesn't mean they're not greatly appreciated x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry folks I've been unwell and then I just couldn't figure out where this was going. But I am now snowed in so I'm going to get a bit of writing done over the next few days as I have the points to draw this one to a conclusion. Hope you're not too badly affected by the weather wherever you are x**

 **Two weeks later**

The sound of giggling woke Amanda from a fitful sleep. Her eyes adjusted to the dim light and she squinted at the alarm clock; 6:45 a.m. Jessy was up. She made a move to try and stand but an arm wrapped around her waist held her down. A second of panic was replaced by calm as she felt warm fingers stroke her stomach under her tank top.

"Lucy has her, stay put… please"

Amanda smiled at the note of pleading in Olivia's voice.

"OK but only cause you asked so nicely."

Amanda felt a kiss on the back of her neck, followed by one on her shoulder blade, then another on her neck. The fingers under her tank top moved higher as they skimmed the underside of her breast, a palm flattening to cup it fully. Amanda's nipple hardened and she groaned as Olivia began to pinch the puckered flesh, another kiss on her neck sending a shiver down her spine.

Amanda turned around to face the woman tormenting her and prevented any further movement by lying on one arm and holding the other above Olivia's head. This didn't prevent the brunette however, as she claimed soft pink lips in a deep kiss, sighing as Amanda's tongue worked its way into her mouth. Olivia gave in, allowing Amanda to take charge. She knew Amanda was passionate, she just didn't know how much until the night they'd first had sex. Now she thought it was possibly the biggest turn on of any lover she had ever had.

Her thoughts were brought back to the moment by Amanda's other hand, which had been resting on her belly. Its movement lower to skim the top of her pyjama bottoms caused a sharp intake of breath. Amanda smiled as she nipped Olivia's bottom lip.

"Breathe Liv", she whispered quietly against the Lieutenant's parted lips. Her fingers were pushing past the elastic of the lilac bottoms when the bedroom door flew open and a loud roar caused them both to jump and pull apart. Noah was launching himself onto the bed dressed as Batman. Katie was close behind him but not close enough.

"Momma, Manda, breakfast!" He threw his arms around his mother's neck and giggled.

"Amanda," Katie started to apologise but her boss waved her away with a smile. "It's ok, he needs his Momma. And I need to get dressed and get Jessy fed or there'll be war."

"Oh, Lucy started feeding her her cereal about ten minutes ago. It's slow going but she's better than I am at it."

"Thanks Katie and that's definitely not true."

Olivia spoke louder so everyone including Katie would hear; "Noah, Manda and I have to get ready. Can you go with Katie and get some breakfast?"  
"Can I have Sugar Puffs?" the little boy asked excitedly.

"Just this once."  
Katie walked towards the bed and caught Noah as he jumped off the edge and onto the floor.

He ran out the door ahead of her and Katie turned back to apologise again but Olivia repeated Amanda's previous gesture and the young woman closed the door with a smile.

Olivia sighed as she rolled onto her side and pulled Amanda into her arms.

"Guess our day has started?"

"Uh-huh" Amanda nodded against her shoulder. "Can we just stay here for a few more minutes? Once he gets his Sugar Puffs, my one is restrained in her highchair, so we're safe for at least ten more minutes."

Olivia laughed and kissed the top of Amanda's head. They both had a full day ahead so ten more minutes wouldn't be the best idea, but at that moment Olivia didn't care. The blonde stroked Olivia's back under her t-shirt, raking her nails along the olive skin, coaxing another moan from the older woman.

"Don't start something we can't finish Rollins. I still haven't forgiven you for that night in the shower."  
"Hey, that was your fault, it wasn't me who had to leave to go to work."  
"No but I was showering alone and then someone decided to join me."  
"I didn't hear you objecting at the time."

Olivia whimpered as Amanda dug her nails into the skin of her hips, mirroring the action with another nip to her lower lip.

"I'll never ever object to having you in my life ever again."

Amanda heard the sadness in Olivia's voice and leaned back slightly so she could catch her eye.

"I'm never going anywhere, ever again. We're here to stay."  
"Move in." Olivia blurted it out suddenly, but she knew the instant she said it she meant it.

"Here?"  
"Yes, with me, with Noah; move in."  
Amanda didn't say anything for a second as she thought about the implications of moving her life, Jessy's life, everything she owned into Olivia's apartment.

"There's a spare room, we can turn it into a bedroom for Jessy. We can paint it pink and put a rocking horse in there. And…" Olivia was silenced by a kiss.

"Yes, you can stop selling it now. I have to ask though, are you sure?"  
"I've never been surer of anything. I know it hasn't been long, but when they had you, when I thought we'd never see you again, everything I'd ever wanted to say to you, wanted to do with you became crystal clear in my head." A tear slid down Olivia's cheek, but Amanda wiped it away and kissed her to remind her she was safe.

"I know, I felt the same things. When I was trying not to lose my mind I let it wander to the things we could do, the places we could go. I let myself think that for once I had a shot at being truly happy and giving Jessy the life she deserved; the life that I never had."

Olivia wrapped the smaller woman in her arms and held her tightly "So you're moving in?"  
"We're moving in. You think you're ready?"

"Emm" Amanda tickled her into a loudly shrieked "Yes" when she hesitated and then pulled her in for another kiss to seal the deal.

Shower?

Olivia's smile was the only response Amanda needed. She held a hand out as she stood, helping Olivia out of bed and pulling her into an embrace.

"I'll never get tired of this" Amanda spoke quietly against Olivia's ear as she ran her finger tips along her back lightly.

Olivia shivered as arousal flooded through her.

"Shower?" Olivia wasn't sure if she had actually said it out loud, her only awareness in that moment being the deft fingers massaging her back.

Amanda smiled as she kissed Olivia's temple.

"Yeah, shower."

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Showered and ready for the day ahead, Olivia kissed Amanda goodbye and then heard a small gasp behind her.

"Momma why are you kissing Aunty Amanda?"

Amanda bit her lip to stop from laughing. They'd done well to keep it to themselves this long, their explanation for Amanda sleeping in Olivia's room being that she was having bad dreams lately and she needed company when she woke up. It was entirely a lie but nor was it entirely the truth. Noah had almost caught them kissing the week before, but this sneak attack had caught them both off guard.

Olivia was unable to answer; it appeared she had lost ability to speak, so Amanda stepped in.

"Noah, ask Katie for a popsicle and come sit down in the living room with me for a minute ok?"

"K"

Noah ran into the kitchen and Amanda turned and took Olivia's hand.

"Stop panicking and breathe." Olivia took a deep breath and nodded.

"Are you ok if I tell him about us?"  
Olivia squeezed Amanda's hand and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I think we need to. There's no explaining that away."

Amanda chuckled; "No afraid not."

Noah ran back, popsicle in hand and threw himself onto the sofa at speed, narrowly avoiding a large red stain on the tan sofa.

"Noah your Mom and I are…" Amanda stalled as she realised she didn't really have a word to describe to a five-year-old what her and Olivia were doing.

Olivia sat down beside her and took her hand.

"Noah, Aunty Amanda and I are in love. In the future Amanda and Jessy are going to move in with us – if that's ok with you?"

Noah looked between the two women and Amanda realised she was now the one holding her breath.

"Do I have to call Amanda Mommy?"

Amanda bit the inside of her mouth to stop herself from laughing. Of all the profound questions she thought he might ask, this one hadn't even occurred to her.

"No sweetie, you can call me whatever you want. Amanda is still absolutely fine, Aunty Amanda, is good. But you can call me whatever you like."  
"Ok." Noah stood, "Jessy can share my polar bear" he shouted over his shoulder as he made his way back to the kitchen.

Amanda felt Olivia's head come to rest on the centre of her back.

"That was the most stressful thing I have ever had to do. I've had interrogations easier than that." Amanda turned and wrapped Olivia in her arms.

"You did great. In fact, you saved my ass."  
"I just told him the truth." Olivia kissed Amanda, not allowing herself more than a brief kiss, knowing that if she did she'd be late for work.

Amanda stood, as if reading her mind, and walked towards the door.

"Go, or you never will." Not that I'd object." Amanda smiled into another kiss as she opened the door.

"Out."

Olivia smiled as she turned to walk out, and Amanda's heart fluttered. That smile was something she would never tire of.

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Olivia's paperwork was interrupted by the text message tone on her phone.

She read it and re-read it to make sure she wasn't missing anything.

' _They've found Dean. I have to go to Atlanta. I've booked a flight. I'm gona bring Jessy with me. Talk to you later xx'_

Olivia pressed Amanda's name and as the phone rang she started to formulate a plan in her head.

"Hi."

"Hi." Amanda's voice was filled with affection. "Sorry I didn't want to ring in case you were busy."

"I'm always busy, but never too busy to talk to you." Olivia almost kicked herself for how sappy it sounded but she meant every word.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm ok. Much rather I didn't have to get on a plane in 4 hours, but I don't have much choice."

"I know, I wish you didn't have to either. But you don't have to take Jessy with you. She can stay with us."

"No Liv, I can't expect you to do that."  
"You notice I said we, it takes a village, and thankfully we have a really good one. Katie and Lucy will work overtime – Lucy has a wedding to pay for and Katie wants to go to graduate school, so we're set."

"Are you sure?"  
"Absolutely. You don't need the stress of travelling with a toddler on top of everything else."

"I owe you."  
"You owe me nothing. This is what people in relationships do hon." Olivia heard the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line and worried she had said something wrong.

"Mand?"  
"Sorry, I just forgot what it was like to be in a relationship. To have someone care about what I do."  
"I love you Amanda, I never thought I'd feel like this again, that I'd care this much. But you've got me, and I wouldn't want it any other way."  
"Have you ever thought about writing a book of romantic lines, you'd make a killing."

Olivia chuckled and rested her head back against her desk chair.

"I'll keep it in mind if this whole Lieutenant thing goes south. Will I see you before you go?"  
"I'm not sure, I'll try though."  
"Ok, please do."  
"Love you Liv"

"Love you too Amanda, bye"

"Bye."

Olivia sighed as she slid her phone onto the desk. She hoped she would get a chance to say a proper goodbye before Amanda left.

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Amanda left her suitcase at her desk and checked to see who was around before knocking on Olivia's office door. The squad room was empty, Fin and Carisi were out on a call.

"Come in."

The smile that adorned her Lieutenant's face when she entered her office lit up the room. Five quick strides allowed her to wrap herself tightly in Amanda's arms and the sigh of contentment they both emitted was almost in sync.

"You'd swear we hadn't seen each other in months." Amanda mused, a playful tone in her voice.

"Well it's gona be a while before we see each other again depending on how today goes. Have they given you any idea what's gona happen when you get down there?"

Olivia motioned for them both to sit on the sofa in the corner.

"No, they haven't said anything. But I'm guessing it's just an ID parade and then I'm free. I was thinking about paying my Mom a visit…" Amanda stalled, unsure if she was asking for guidance, permission or reassurance.

"Are you sure?"  
"I don't know Liv. I want to confront her. I want to figure out what the hell she was doing to get herself into so much trouble. And I want to figure out if Kim knew anything while she was staying with me. I have a lot of questions I need answering." Amanda lowered her head to stare at Olivia's hands, which were now holding hers, squeezing softly, reassuringly.

"Do what you have to do Amanda. If you do go though, make sure you have back-up. I don't want you in danger." Olivia's grip got tighter, almost painful, so Amanda moved closer, ensuring the hug she gave was full of the reassurance they were both seeking.

"I've been dealing with Rollins women my whole life – you think my Mom is bad, you should have met my grandma. Made my mother look like Mother Teresa.

Olivia held on a moment longer and then kissed the side of Amanda's head.

"I know you can handle yourself Amanda, believe me I've seen it on more than one occasion. I'm just worried that your Mom and Kim are going to gang up and try to turn this on you."  
"They can try Liv, but they won't succeed. They've made me believe I've been responsible for some truly awful stuff in the past, stuff that in reality was nothing to do with me. But this time I know it's all on them."

Olivia leaned in and kissed the smaller woman, her hand resting on her lower back as she pulled her against her. She kissed her soundly, trying to convey a reassurance that she knew Amanda was as strong as she was brave.

"I'm glad you've got that straight. Nowhere, not in any court of law or anywhere else in the world, is any of this your fault, nor can anyone tell you it is. And if they try…"

Amanda silenced her with another kiss. "I know Lieutenant, you'll kick their ass."

Olivia smiled, "Dam straight".

"I'm really sorry, but I have to go." Amanda looked as bereft as Olivia at that thought.

"I know." Olivia kept hold of one hand as they stood and walked into the quiet squad room; it didn't remain quiet however, Fin and Carisi rounding the corner through the doors just as Olivia and Amanda walked out of Olivia's office, hand in hand.

Amanda was about to let go when she felt Olivia squeeze her hand tighter in reassurance. Olivia felt the squeeze returned and they walked towards her desk to retrieve her case. They hadn't discussed disclosing their relationship with the squad although Olivia had told her Fin knew. He was the first to reach them, nodding a greeting as he sat at his desk – it was far more reserved than the greeting she had got upon her return two weeks earlier; the bear hug Fin had given her almost crushed her. She didn't object however, she was just so glad to see him again. Carisi said a curt hello and moved towards his desk. Amanda saw the sad look on his face when he had first walked in and it broke her heart a little. She didn't have the time right now to dissect it with him, but she made herself a promise that they would talk when she got back.

Keeping a hold of her hand Olivia walked Amanda to the elevator. She decided it was the best place to say goodbye as she wasn't far from her office if she needed to compose herself afterwards. The hug she pulled the smaller woman into surprised them both for a moment, she hadn't been expecting such a public display, but she threw caution to the wind; Fin and Carisi had just seen them holding hands – what else could happen. She found out the answer to that as the elevator door opened and Barba stepped out, clearing his throat with a quick "Hello" to both of them before he made his way around them, down the hall to the squad room.

They laughed, and it lightened the mood for a moment, but the reality that Amanda was leaving hit Olivia again square in the chest.

"You'd swear I was never going to see you again", she said as she pulled the blonde into another embrace.

"It's just…"

Amanda spoke quietly against her neck where her head rested; "I know; the last time I was there it was under very different circumstances though. This time he can't lay a finger on me. And if he tries this time the tables are turned, and I am armed, he is not."

Amanda pulled back and placed a brief kiss on Olivia's cheek, afraid anymore would leave them both standing there for too long, leading to her missing her flight.

"Love you Liv" Amanda said quietly over her shoulder as she hit the button for the elevator, which hadn't moved since Barba alighted.

"Love you too beautiful."

Amanda smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes as she stepped into the elevator and held Olivia's gaze as the doors closed. She rested her back against the wall of the elevator and exhaled slowly, tempted to turn and run back into Olivia's arms. She knew however, that she had to face this, and she needed to face it alone. She no longer had to though, and that gave her the strength to be ok with it.

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 **A/N: Guys I'm so sorry this is taking forever – long story that involves a lot of things – so I apologise profusely. There are 2 chapters left and I hope you enjoy them. They'll be up as soon as I can x**


	8. Chapter 8

**3 days later**

Amanda took the first sip of coffee made 8 hours earlier from a Styrofoam cup. She winced as her jaw cracked. She couldn't decide if it was broken or not, but she wasn't going back to a hospital, no matter how many times Reese or anyone else pestered her to. Her last three encounters in a hospital had been after she had been shot, after almost dying giving birth and after she had been abducted. None brought back happy memories, apart from having Jessy at the end of it all. So instead, she sat down gently in the only padded chair that existed in the APD squad room and rested her head against the wall to her right, closing her eyes for the first time in what felt like days. She wouldn't sleep, couldn't remember the last time she had slept for a solid 8 hours. But a moment where her brain was allowed to just be silent would help. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

"Rollins" the now familiar voice caused her to groan internally. The temptation was to not respond, but she decided she'd just call again.

"Yeah?" Amanda didn't open her eyes, deciding if it was necessary Reese would tell her.

"Hey." That gentle voice was not Reese, it was a voice she didn't associate with Atlanta. It was a voice that felt like a blanket wrapping her in warmth and safety.

Amanda opened her eyes and bit her lip to prevent the tears that were threatening as she took in Olivia standing in front of her in jeans and a purple hoodie, her glasses resting on top of her head, her face tired but still as beautiful as Amanda remembered it.

Holding out a hand she made to take Amanda's but was thrown off balance slightly when the smaller woman stood and pulled her into a hug. She had only spoken briefly on the phone with Reese, but she knew that Amanda was injured and refusing treatment and that alone was enough to get her on a plane. Now that she was holding her she could feel the slight tremor run through her body as she tried to hold it all in. Olivia kicked herself mentally for letting her make the journey to Georgia alone, but she knew that Amanda was fiercely independent and getting in her way would only make her angry and see her leave on bad terms for what was already going to be a tough journey. Amanda buried her head into the crook of Olivia's neck and spoke quietly.

"You're ruining my reputation."

Olivia chuckled but rubbed circles low on Amanda's back, soothing her all the time; "I think you'll find you were the one that initiated this Detective."

"Just one more second." Olivia hugged her tighter at the small plea. Only the clearing of a throat in their vicinity caused them to move apart, but Olivia's hand remained on Amanda's lower back.

It was Reese and she seemed unfazed by the entire scene, which gave Olivia pause for thought but she decided now was not the time.

"Sorry for interrupting, I just have a brief update for you. Turning to Amanda she lowered her head slightly, no longer meeting her eye. "Your sister has been released ROR after your talk with the DA. I just thought you'd like to know."

Amanda nodded and gave Reese a small smile. "Thanks, appreciate it. I'm gona head to…" Amanda wasn't sure where she was going in that moment, but she felt she owed it to Reese to let her know, given she had been staying with her while she in Georgia.

"I have a room in the Courtyard." Olivia didn't elaborate further, sure by Reese's reaction to Amanda's greeting of her that she knew there was more to their relationship than work colleagues. And it didn't bother her in the slightest.

"In that case, Reese I'm gona grab my bag from yours and…" Reese nodded, waving off any further explanation from Amanda.

"Sure. You have a key. Let yourself in, grab what you need. And the room is always there if you need it."

Amanda smiled again and gave Reese a quick hug. "Thanks, you've saved me a fortune in hotel fees."

"Any time."

Olivia smiled and mouthed a quick 'thank you' to Reese as she followed Amanda towards the door she had walked in a few minutes ago.

"Do you want to…" Olivia was cut off mid-sentence by a soft kiss as Amanda stopped dead in her tracks and turned to claim her lips.

"Right now, Lieutenant, all I want to do is get my bags, grab something small and soft to eat and go and see this hotel room of yours."

Olivia simply nodded and returned the gentle kiss before taking Amanda's hand and walking out of the precinct. It was going to be a long afternoon and evening, of that she was sure. But the fact she got to spend it with the woman she loved, made it a lot easier to bear.

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They lay on the sofa in the small living area of the suite in the Courtyard. Amanda was lying on her back between Olivia's legs, her head resting on the taller woman's chest. Olivia was running her fingers through Amanda's hair, massaging her scalp. The small moan that escaped the blonde's lips sent a shiver down Olivia's spine and she realised how much she had missed her over the last three days. But it was not the time for that now. Right now, Amanda had a story to tell her, and she wanted to hear it. They were midway through it.

"What happened when you got to the house?"

Amanda sighed and intertwined her fingers with Olivia's other hand, which was resting on her stomach.

"Mom was drunk when I got there; she tried to hide it, but I could tell from the red rimmed eyes and the uneven gait that she'd been drinking all day. Kim wasn't home, so I figured I could try and have a half-civilised conversation and then leave. You know when you get something so wrong you can't actually believe you thought otherwise when you look back?" The laugh Amanda gave was devoid of humour, but she felt a slight nod from Olivia and it made the self-recrimination seem less.

"We sat, and she asked about Jessy and if I was working too much. I'm not sure if she was asking because she was concerned or because she needed money and thought over-time meant I had some spare cash. Either way that was pretty much where the civility ended cause then I started to ask questions. I asked her how she was first, started with the easy stuff. Then I mentioned her arm, asked what had happened and got the first of what turned out to be many, many lies.

"Did you find out how she knew Charlie?"  
"I did, but I'm not sure she even knew his real name?"  
"And Dean?"

"She'd never heard of him… apparently. I'm not sure if I believe a word that came out of her mouth to be honest."

"So, what happened with Kim?"  
"She arrived home from God knows where and apparently she's off her meds."

Amanda felt Olivia's hands moved so she could hold her fully and she appreciated the reassurance. She had cared for Kim her whole life and when her sister was unwell it was always her instinct to protect her, but Olivia knew that had brought her nothing but pain in the past.

"She started in on me the minute she came in the door – after asking for money first. She didn't even ask about her niece, just if I had some spare cash cause her and her new boyfriend were making a demo; he's God's gift to a guitar apparently. I made the mistake of laughing and that's when she threw the first punch. I should have taken that back up like you suggested but I figured I could handle the two of them. She missed the first time and hit the wall but that just made her madder. She charged me and caught me off guard. I instinctively reached for my gun, thank God I hadn't got it on me, I'm not sure I wouldn't have shot her."

A tear escaped as Amanda made that comment and Olivia knew she would never have harmed Kim. Still she could feel the rigidity in her body and she knew that the last encounter with her family had shaken Amanda. She had to testify in court in a few weeks against Dean and Carly – although Carly had cut a deal to testify against Dean in order to get her charges reduced to community service – so she wanted Amanda to forget about it all for a while and relax.

"Let's go get showered and I'll order some room service. You can tell me the rest when I've seen to those bruises."

Amanda turned and cupped the side of Olivia's face, kissing her cheek.

"Has anyone ever told you you're the sweetest girlfriend in the world."

Olivia placed a gentle kiss on Amanda's lips and helped her to stand. Amanda groaned as Olivia helped her stand.

"I hit the wall when she charged me, and she got a punch in before I floored her." Amanda's explanation made Olivia wince as they walked towards the bathroom she stroked her back slowly, reassuringly, hoping she could convey the depth of her caring through her touch.

"You're joining me?" Amanda asked as they reached the door.

"Is that ok?"

Amanda nodded, and the movement of her head made her dizzy. She gripped the arm around her waist.

"Woah come 'ere." Olivia pulled her into an embrace, both to keep her upright and reassure herself that Amanda was ok.

They made their way to the bathroom slowly, Olivia helping Amanda to undress, and climb under the warm spray. She worked her hands over Amanda's body, massaging the knots from her shoulders, kneading the muscles in her lower back, and gently kissing the bruises as she encountered them. She massaged the smaller woman's scalp gently as she washed the shampoo out of her hair. Amanda winced as some shampoo got into the cut on her cheek. Olivia washed it out and kissed it gently, placing another quick kiss on her lips as she did so.

Stepping out of the shower minutes later Olivia took a robe from the back of the door and wrapped Amanda in it, grabbing the other for herself.

Intertwining their fingers Amanda walked them to the bed and sat down pulling Olivia into an embrace, resting her head against Olivia's stomach.

"I've been thinking about this for weeks."

"Hmm?"

Amanda smiled against the warmth of Olivia's skin as she untied her robe and kissed her stomach.

"This" Amanda husked, her warm breath sending a shiver down Olivia's spine.

Olivia's fingers continued to massage her scalp as they had earlier but now there was an urgency in their pace. Olivia sighed as Amanda's lips moved higher, kissing her abs and leaving tiny little marks as her teeth grazed soft skin.

Olivia looked down at the woman in front of her and smiled, encircling her neck and clasping her hands behind her neck. Dipping her head she claimed her lips in a kiss, simple and quick. Amanda's eyes were still closed when she pulled back and she smiled at the serene look on her face.

"I missed you so much." Amanda's stood and claimed her lips in another kiss, this time channelling every emotion she was feeling into it. She felt the same passion and care as her kiss was returned. Amanda's tongue danced along her bottom lip and Olivia moaned as she opened her mouth, allowing their tongues to dance a familiar dance.

Amanda turned them and Olivia felt her knees hit the edge of the bed. Amanda was on top of her, her lips claiming hers again, the kiss leaving Olivia completely breathless as the woman on top of her pulled away and left her panting.

"I need you Liv, I need to feel you."

Olivia nodded and rested her arms loosely along Amanda's back, kissing her slowly, teasing her tongue, her eyes holding the blonde's – a way of telling her to take what she needed. Amanda leaned in and raked her teeth over a soft earlobe, noting the small hitch in Olivia's breathing as she did so.

Whispering into her ear, her voice sultry, Amanda said "I'm going to fuck you until you can't breathe Olivia Benson. And then when I'm finished, if you're good, you can fuck me."

Amanda felt Olivia shiver, her reaction to her words causing arousal to course through both their bodies.

A gentle nip to the olive skin marred Olivia's collarbone as Amanda kissed and bit her way down Olivia's body. She stopped at all her favourite points, from her nipples to her hip bone, to the soft smooth skin of her inner thighs.

She spent time there, knowing the teasing was making Olivia wetter than she already was.

The first touch of the tip of Amanda's tongue to Olivia's swollen clit saw hips pushed up off the bed, moving against the tongue pleasuring her, pushing herself into her mouth. Amanda moved an arm up, holding Olivia on the bed, restricting the thrust of her hips. But Olivia continued to push and managed to wrap her ankles behind Amanda's back, pulling her closer, desperate to find release. She was trying hard to stay cognisant of the blonde's injuries but she was making it extremely difficult.

Amanda knew she was close, could feel the first tremor of orgasm, as she pulled away. She heard Olivia curse under her breath as she moved back up her body. When Amanda was face to face with her lover, she saw that Olivia was biting her lip hard to stop from screaming in frustration. Claiming her lips she spoke quietly against them; "Tell me what you need baby?"

It took Olivia a minute to respond, the full weight of Amanda's body on hers distracting her.

Olivia bent her knees and Amanda smiled. They'd come across a position one night not long ago that both of them enjoyed immensely. Both were in control and could see the pleasure the other was feeling. Amanda lay back against the strong legs behind her and nestled her knees snugly against Olivia's hips. Olivia slowly sat so that she was resting against the headboard and Amanda shuffled with her. Both supported they almost simultaneously reached out to begin touching the other. The smiles were reflected on each other's faces as Amanda moved her hand behind her and slipped two finger up and into the abundant wetness she used her tongue to build. Olivia found Amanda's clit at the same time Amanda found her g-spot and she almost lost control. She knew with all of the previous teasing it was going to take her precisely ten seconds to let go and cum. And she wanted to bring Amanda with her over the edge. The blonde could feel that intention in the speed of Olivia's fingers, teasing her now very swollen clit.

"Liv baby, look at me." It took Olivia a moment to comply but when she did she saw absolute love and trust in the blue eyes holding her stare.

"I love you." The words were said just as her orgasm hit. She wasn't sure how long she zoned out for as pleasure coursed through her but her next cognisant thought was that Amanda was moaning into her ear. The smaller woman had removed her fingers from Olivia and had moved forward, repositioning herself so that she was now holding her own weight on her knees and elbows, kissing Olivia fiercely.

"Liv… please… need…" that was all Olivia needed to hear. Reaching between their bodies she found Amanda's labia and parted the wet lips to toy with her clit. She knew Amanda needed more however, and only lingered for a moment. Slipping lower she pushed two fingers into the blonde easily, swallowing the moan that escaped the lips of the woman above her as she started to move frantically against her.

"Close…. So…." Olivia nodded and moved her thumb to Amanda's clit, countering the deep hard thrusts with gentler strokes.

"Come for me baby" Amanda's body seized in place for a moment as she whispered the instruction into her ear. The orgasm that hit the woman on top of her was powerful and Olivia could feel it in the grip on her fingers and the wetness that now coated her palm. Amanda's body went limp as she fell on top of her, her breathing rapid, her heart racing.

It took Amanda a few minutes to come back and when she did a hand stroking her lower back, the woman below her saying her name softly.

Amanda barley managed to lift her head to follow the voice.

"Mand, are you ok?"

Amanda smiled and kissed Olivia's chest, and rested her head again.

"Better than ok. I missed you."

"I missed you too baby, so much."

"Did you say something about room service?"

Olivia laughed and it caused Amanda's head to move, so she lifted it and moved her body off Olivia, curling into her side and resting her head on the pillow so it wouldn't be disturbed.

"What?"  
"How are you thinking about food?"  
"The last thing that was in my mouth… let me rephrase that…" she swatted Olivia's breast as she laughed again. The last thing that I ate was a bagel Reese gave me at about 5 a.m. I'm hungry."

Olivia stroked her hair as she turned onto her side to pull her into an embrace.

"Sleep for a while. I'll order room service and wake you when it gets here."

A contented sigh was all Olivia got in acknowledgement as she continued to stroke blonde locks. She thought about the night Amanda had done exactly this for her to help her sleep, the night she had been taken. It strengthened her resolve to spend every moment she could with the woman she loved. Kissing her temple, she kept stroking her hair as she picked up the phone from the bedside table and ordered anything off the menu that she knew Amanda would enjoy.

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 **6 weeks later:**

Dean's lawyer was a sleaze ball and Amanda had come across plenty like him in her time testifying as a cop. She didn't miss a beat when it came to questions about any doubt she may have about the ID – whether she might have been coerced or tipped off by former colleagues given she used to work for the APD and would know cops in the area. She saw Reese in the gallery shaking her head vehemently at that suggestion.

"I am owed no favours in the APD."

"But you still know people there?"

"Yes I do, people who, for the most part hate me."

Amanda caught Reese's eye again and she watched the young detective sit up straighter.

"Why would your colleagues hate you Detective?" The lawyer was obviously hoping for something juicy to hang her with, showing her to be an unreliable, untrustworthy witness.

Amanda's eyes remained on Reese as she saw her hand move to reach for Olivia's.

Amanda took a deep breath and looked the lawyer straight in the eye.

"Because I was raped by my former Deputy Chief and he no longer works as a result. He also raped a colleague of mine."

Amanda didn't miss the look of shock on the young lawyer's face. He obviously hadn't done enough research on the prosecution's witnesses.

His response was flustered and delayed.

"But you still have friends in APD?"

Amanda glared at him as she responded. "Yes, I have. I have a few who helped put the man who raped me out of a position of authority and away from vulnerable women."

"Your honour I would ask you to request the witness to answer only the question asked."

Amanda nodded her consent at the gentle reprimand from the judge. Even he realised that the lawyer was out of his depth. Amanda knew she was taking liberties in extending her answers.

Dean's lawyer continued on with his questions, more cautious than he had been previously, realising that even though Amanda's comments about being raped had been stricken from the record, they had still been heard. He was not about to antagonise a woman who was, in his eyes, a victim. There were two women sitting nearby that knew the exact opposite was true.

As Amanda left the witness box and the court room Reese and Olivia were waiting for her outside. Olivia pulled her into a hug and held her, Reese was close by keeping watch to ensure no-one approached that shouldn't.

When she stepped back Amanda took them both in.

"Thank you, both of you." She reached for Olivia's hand and smiled at Reese. Behind them a door creaked open and Carly walked out, opening her arms to a woman sitting on a bench nearby with a little girl sitting on her lap. She jumped down and ran to Carly shouting "Mommy". Amanda smiled and raised a hand to wave slightly at the other woman. Carly returned the wave as she kissed her daughter's head and hugged her. In that moment Amanda missed Jessy and Noah terribly. Carly mouthed a silent 'thank you' and Amanda nodded, thinking about the unimaginable trauma this young woman had been through. They found out during her interview at the station in Madison that the reason Carly had been so keen to free Amanda was that this was not the first time Dean had threatened her; he had in fact raped her on two previous occasions but told her she couldn't call it rape because they were dating. It broke Amanda's heart and she wanted more than anything to tell her she would get through it. Now as she watched Carly walk away with her daughter she thought that it was possible she had taken the first step on that road to healing.

Reese spoke, interrupting her thoughts.

"I've got a meeting with the ADA in an hour, but I was wondering if you would both like to join me for lunch before you head to the airport?"

Amanda took in the young detective, her smile guarded, her eyes not quite trusting. Amanda knew that they had suffered similar trauma, had both survived, and were both trying to build their lives afterwards. She hoped that Reese would find the same kind of happiness she now had with Olivia and the kids.

"Sounds good Reese. Hey, can we go to that little restaurant near your place with the amazing tacos?"  
"Tacos?" Reese and Olivia asked simultaneously.

Amanda laughed at the incredulous tone. "Hey, I like tacos; there are worse things in the world."

The three of them made their way towards the elevator. It had been a hellish morning, but Amanda had spoken with Olivia and she had calmed any nerves she had about testifying. They debated whether to mention Patton, and Olivia had assuaged any fears she may have about doing it. The lawyer had argued that the charges against Patton had never been proven and Amanda had to concede that in court. But she still felt vindicated when she sat there and said it. She felt like it closed a chapter in her life and she also felt like it helped Reese as well. She saw it in her smile as they stood in the elevator.

"Really tacos?" Olivia asked.

The three women laughed as the elevator arrived and they got in.

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 **A/N Sorry is a completely inadequate word for the delay in finishing this but to be honest I've found it really hard to figure out where this was going – I've written and re-written it so many times. I have almost planned the last chapter, so I promise to get it to you asap. Thanks as always for all the likes, follows and reviews, they're greatly appreciated x**


	9. Chapter 9

**8 months later**

The sounds of the waves lazily lapping at the shore woke Olivia at 5 a.m. Looking to her left she saw blonde hair splayed across the pillow beside her. Amanda's sleeping position was haphazard to say the least. They had only fallen asleep 3 hours previously and Olivia was unsure where her body began and Amanda's ended they were so entwined.

Olivia stroked the hair from Amanda's eyes as the younger woman shifted in her sleep, murmuring something incoherent. Blue eyes opened and a smile curled one side of Amanda's lips as she turned her head into the hand playing with her hair.

Her voice was adorably sleep laden as she inquired as to whether it was time to get up or not.

"No I just couldn't resist you looking there all messy and cute."

Amanda's still sleep fogged brain almost took it as an insult until she remembered the cute bit. Sitting up she teased Olivia by leaning close but not close enough to kiss.

"Why are you awake? You remember we're on holidays right?"

"Yes, I remember we're on holidays. The waves woke me, then I caught sight of you looking adorable and I couldn't take my eyes off you."

Amanda smiled and moved so that she was straddling Olivia's hips. She would never get sick of waking up to feel Amanda beside her. She would also never get sick of moments like this when Amanda took charge, took over, and looked at her like she was the only woman in the world.

"Let's see how long you can keep your eyes open…" Amanda's lips claimed Olivia's in a searing kiss stealing all the air from her lungs.

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Olivia woke with a start and looked at the clock. It was 10:15 a.m. and they had fallen asleep after making love for another hour. They had decided that they needed a vacation after a particularly tough case involving a serial rapist and murderer that had left the whole squad physically and emotionally drained.

Amanda produced her laptop one night and they Googled sunny, quiet and near the sea. Options included Aruba, Barbados and Byron Bay. Aruba won and they booked the first flight they could get within the week. And now as they lay in bed, the doors open, the sea breeze drifting into the room, Olivia had never been so happy that she'd trusted her gut.

Amanda stirred beside her and she leaned over to kiss the sleepy woman, moving her hair aside to kiss her neck and down her spine.

Amanda stirred and turned so that Olivia could continue the kisses but this time on her lips. She ran her tongue along Olivia's bottom lip, allowing her access when she probed deeper. Moaning she ran her hand down Olivia's back and grabbed her ass, squeezing tightly.

"Mand…" it was difficult to get the blonde's name out as her hand wandered further, fingers stroking her thigh.

It took another attempt and a slap to Amanda's upper arm to get her to stop.

"We have to get up - breakfast ends in fifteen minutes and the nearest place to eat is too far to walk because after what you did to me this morning I don't think my legs work very well".

The adorable giggle that escaped Amanda's lips almost lead to Olivia giving up on the idea of breakfast until her stomach interrupted with a loud rumble.

"Up, come on, up." Olivia tickled Amanda into submission and they made breakfast with five minutes to spare."

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The sun was starting to set by the time Amanda emerged from the shower, her hair curly. Olivia loved seeing her like this, no make-up, hair natural, eyes sparkling. She had put on a lilac summer dress and she was in the process of tying her hair back when she felt arms snake around her waist and a kiss on her neck.

"Leave it down" the soft whisper sent a shiver through the blonde's body.

"We're going for a walk on the beach it'll be windy, my hair will be a mess."

"Your hair is perfect… You are perfect" Olivia tightened her hold on the smaller woman turning in her arms, so she could look into her eyes.

"You know you and the kids are my world, right?" The sudden seriousness in Olivia's tone caught Amanda off guard.

"Of course. Liv, are you ok?"

Olivia nodded and kissed the tip of Amanda's nose.

"Yeah course. I just think it's worth reminding you sometimes. I love you."  
"I love you too. C'mere" Amanda enfolded Olivia in her arms. She felt the brunette's head come to rest on her shoulder. She felt Olivia shiver; it was odd given it was a balmy 82 outside. "You cold baby?"

Olivia shook her head against her shoulder.

"If you want, we can stay in, call room service. I know Cragen said that place on the beach is nice, but if you're coming down with something…"

Amanda was cut off by a quick kiss on her lips.

"I'm find. Grab your bag and let's go."

The place they were staying was a two-minute walk from the beach and as they walked on the sand hand in hand, Amanda kept glancing at the woman beside her, feeling a tighter squeeze to her hand every time Olivia caught her; her way of telling her everything was fine.

They didn't speak, just listened to the waves, feeling the last of the warmth on their skin as the sun began to set.

Amanda felt a pull on her arm as she continued to walk, not realising Olivia had stopped behind her. She turned with a questioning look on her face and realised Olivia was no longer looking at her, but instead was gazing into the dunes.

"Liv?" Amanda calling her name didn't shift her, so Amanda turned to look at the sight that had caught her attention. She felt Olivia's arm around her waist steadying her as she turned, and her breath caught in her throat.

Noah and Jessy ran towards them, both holding signs. Lucy was standing behind them smiling.

Jessy's sign read 'Olivia loves you very much.' Noah's read 'Will you Marry my Mummy so we can be a family?'

Jessy and Noah both wrapped their arms around their legs as they reached them, taking turns hugging. Amanda was aware of the it, but her eyes were focused on the ones searching hers for an answer in that moment. And there was only 1 answer in her heart.

"Yes"

"Yes?" Olivia echoed, unsure if she'd heard her right amidst the laughing and shouting from the kids running around their feet.  
"Yes," Amanda said again, leaning in to kiss the woman she loved, trying to convey the adoration and passion and happiness she felt in one go. Olivia felt it all, and as she pulled back to gaze into the eyes of her new fiancée, she saw it too.

Lucy reached them a moment later and scooped a giggling Jessy into her arms. She hugged Olivia first, followed quickly by Amanda.

"How did you two pull this off?" Amanda said, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening?

"Well," Lucy said, seeing that Olivia was slightly overwhelmed "I waited until the day before yesterday to tell these two." she indicated Noah and Jessy who were now sitting in the sand using their signs as a base to build a sandcastle. "I knew they wouldn't be able to keep it a secret. So, we kept them out of the loop until we were at a 'need to know' point. Last night we told a slight fib when we said they'd fallen asleep early and that's why we couldn't Skype. We were actually on the way here. And we've spent the day trying to remain incognito, which is not easy with these two." All three women laughed, which drew the attention of the smaller two for a moment, but they returned back to their sandcastle in seconds.

"Olivia Benson, how long have you been planning this?"

Olivia looked down at her feet, embarrassed to admit how long she'd been keeping a secret from her future wife, but also aware that it had to be done if she was to pull off the really romantic proposal Amanda deserved. "About a month. I organised their flights the day after we got sign off for leave," she admitted quietly.

"A month That must have almost killed you." Amanda laughed as she pulled Olivia into a hug, mussing her hair. You are a terrible liar when you're not in an interrogation room". Olivia began to laugh as well. "Actually, it's really only you I can't lie to, cause you read me like a book."

Amanda kissed the side of her head and whispered quietly "It's a book I want to read for the rest of my life." The tears started then. "Happy tears" Amanda reassured Olivia when she looked at her concerned. Olivia's arms stayed around her, holding her tightly, kissing her softly. They stayed there for a few minutes, watching the sun set over the horizon as the kids played.

"Are you guys staying far away?" Amanda asked, only now realising that Lucy and the kids were obviously nearby.

"We were staying in a hotel a few miles away. But we're going to move into your hotel tomorrow, so you can finish off the vacation with a bit of family time."

"Sounds fantastic."

"Lucy is going to take a few days' vacation while she's here too. Katie had to stay home, otherwise she would have joined us."

"She sends her congrats though." Lucy added. "I'm going to get these two ready for bed, they've been going all day, so I don't want to end up in a fight with two overtired little ones. It's tough when it's two on one like that."

Both women nodded; they'd been there.

"Thanks Lucy, you've been amazing." Olivia stepped forward and gave the taller woman a hug. "We'll see you all tomorrow." Lucy nodded and called to Jessy and Noah. There were no arguments about wanting to stay. Lucy had already explained that they were only going to see their Moms for a few minutes that night, but they'd be meeting up again the next day. It also helped that she had worn them out playing all day.

Hugs and kisses and promises to see each other tomorrow were all that was required to send them on their way.

When they were out of sight Amanda turned back to Olivia. "You little sneak. I'm impressed Benson, I really am."

Olivia chuckled as she reached into the pocket of her blazer. "I hope you're still impressed when I show you this." She held out a white gold ring, with a princess cut diamond, and took Amanda's left hand, sliding it on to her ring finger. Amanda admired it for a moment and as tears threatened again, she captured Olivia's face in her hands and spoke through the quiver in her voice.

"I never thought I would find the kind of love I have with you Olivia. You are my rock, my guardian, my partner and the love of my life. You and Noah and Jessy are everything I could ever want in the world. Well apart from another little one, if you fancied it?"

It was Olivia's turn to tear up at that point and she couldn't stop herself if she tried. "A baby?"

"Well we can adopt, or we can try IVF, or we can…" she was cut off by a kiss.

"Yes." Olivia smiled, holding her close, kissing the tip of her nose "Yes."

"Seems to be the night for that word to be chucked around."

Olivia laughed and took Amanda's hand in hers.

"There is some bubbly in the room, I ordered it earlier when I was down at reception. I think we have some celebrating to do." She laughed harder as Amanda tugged on her arm, forcing her to run.

"Rollins, I am never going to be able to keep up with you. You run every day."  
Amanda let go of her hand and ran faster. "Better hurry up Liv, or there'll be none left when you get there." Olivia was too out of breath to care at that point, but she smiled when Amanda stopped a few feet ahead of her and opened her arms.

"Kidding." Olivia fell into the embrace and smiled as she felt a kiss to the top of her head. "We're going to have to get you fitter though Benson, especially if we're going to be running after three kids."

"Not even married yet and you're already bossing me around."

The good-natured ribbing continued all the way back to the hotel room and the champagne remained untouched as they celebrated all that the future would hold for them.

THE END

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 **A/N: Thank you all for sticking with me to the end of this one. I have a one shot on the go, should be done soon. Was nice to have some screen time with the two ladies during last week's episode – things like that inspire me**


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